Shelby's Notebook

Productions

2012-01-08T02:20:00.000-08:00

2011-12-21T20:17:00.001-08:00

A to Z Randomly

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

A

ANY particulor reason your taking this survey?
I am bored, and I love to fill things out.

ARE you at school, work, or home?
Home

AGE at which you 1st drank alcohol?
21, I don't really drink though

B

BOUGHT anything from Spencer's?
Yeah, great for novelty items!

BRAVEST person you know?
My godmother

BLONDES or Brunettes?
Brunettes

C

CRAPPIEST band?
Sonic Youth

CAN your dad beat you in a race?
Yeah, the man runs 10 miles a day

COULD you bungee jump?
I COULD, but I'd REALLY rather not

D

DRAWING or painting?
Painting

DOES your bedroom need cleaning?
HELL YES

DO the drapes match the curtains?
Yep

E

EVER swear at your parents?
No way man

EARN enough to pay the bills?
Technically

EXORCIST or SAW movies?
EXORCIST!

F

FLOWERS or chocolate?
How about both?!

FUNNEL cake or Elephant Ears?
I'm not sure what Elephant Ears are, and I don't think I've even ever had either

FIRED from a job?
I was laid off

G

GIVING or receiving gifts?
GIVING!

GOING to the movies or a play?
I LOVE going to the movies, but I love the theatre

GONE to the bathroom this hour?
No as a matter of fact I haven't

H

HAVING or adopting a baby?
BOTH :)

HORSES or cows?
A horse of course!

HEAVY or light-weight drinker?
LIGHT-weight please

I

IS Michael Jackson in heaven?
I couldn't tell you

INSIDE or outside?
Outside

INSTANT or regular coffee?
I don't like coffee

J

JORDAN or Tiger Woods?
Jordan!

JETTA or Saab?
Saab

JULY 4th or St. Patrick's Day?
4th of July

K

KOOL-AID or Crystal Lite?
KOOL-AID

KANGAROO or Camel?
Kangaroo, camel's spit!

KETCHUP or mustard?
neither

L

LIGHTS on or off during sex?
Dimmed...

LOTTERY scratch offs or Power Ball?
Scratchers!

LIQUOR or beer?
Liquor

M

MONTH of choice?
October

MEAL you cook best?
Pot Roast

MISS the most:
The Huffs'

N

NEVER would I:
Look down on someone

NIGHT owl or early bird?
Night owl, for sure

NOTE to self:
Early bird gets the word

O

OPEN your own jars?
Hell yes!

OFFER to help old people?
Uh Girl Scouts of America

ONLY in America:
Could a Morman, Christian, Catholic and Muslim church be in the same city.

P

PERSCRIPTIONS you have now or in the past?
Valium

PAPER or plastic?
I like paper, but I always get plastic. They don't even ask anymore.

PRETTY Woman or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candels! "They fucking forgot my birthday!"

Q

QDOBA or Chipotle?
QDOBA

QUIT my job for:
Because it was really boring

QUANTITY or quality?
Quality!

R

ROADTRIP or flying?
Roadtrip, I like the control

RESPONSE to a sneeze?
Bless You

RIGHT or left handed?
RIGHT

S

SIT or stand all day?
SIT

SMELL you hate?
Rotten food

SUSHI of choice?
I don't like raw fish

T

THANK goodness it's:
Wednesday, because I got my hair done!

TELL me your middle name?
Janice

TODAY is:
Wednesday, December 21st 2011

U

UNDER my bed is:
A box spring mattess

UNDERWARE brand?
Platex

USUALLY I sing:
Showtunes

V

VITAMINS you take?
Naw

VERY much like?
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks

VACCINES I've had:
I've had all the required shots

W

WITHDRAWS from:
Fast Food

WEAPONS I own?
Kitchen knives

WAFFLES or pancakes?
PANCAKES!

X

X-RAY you've had?
Arm, chest

X-TRA toppings of:
Chocolate syrip!

Y

YEAR you were born?
1990

YARD sale or goodwill?
Yard Sale

YELLOW or green?
Green

Z

ZOO you've been to?
San Diego

ZACK Morris or Slater?
Zack!

ZITS are:
Frustrating!

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Zac Efron

2011-12-15T15:41:00.001-08:00

Zac Efron? by sjjh on polyvore.com

2011-12-13T17:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Little Family

2011-11-18T14:48:00.001-08:00

In writing the story of my life I decided to cast my parents and I.

Untitled #227 by sjjh on polyvore.com

Album Images

2011-11-07T23:50:00.000-08:00

2011-11-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

2011-09-07T03:40:00.000-07:00

Shelby-Elizabeth Taylor

2011-07-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Photo Shoot idea

formspring.me

2011-04-17T20:26:00.001-07:00

Ask Shelby! Ask me a question! Come on ASK ME ANYTHING! I'll answer, I promise :) http://formspring.me/ShelbyJanice

This is Me

2011-04-07T15:04:00.001-07:00

This is Me by SJJH on Polyvore.com

SJJH

2011-04-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

Super

2011-03-15T04:21:00.001-07:00

Comics! by Average Ali featuring a zip up wallet

I'm Just CRAZY About Tiffany's!

2011-03-11T21:53:00.001-08:00

I'm Just CRAZY About Tiffany's! by SJJH on Polyvore.com

A Holly Golightly inspired number

Top 10 Most Romantic Movies of All Time

2011-03-09T00:45:00.000-08:00

2011-02-13T23:15:00.000-08:00

The Kids Are All Right by SJJH featuring a square necklace

I Wish................

2011-01-31T23:27:00.001-08:00

I Wish I Was by SJJH on Polyvore.com

what does your name mean? do you think that it's fulfilled its prophecy over your life?

2011-01-28T15:33:00.001-08:00

Technically, Shelby, of English origin, means sheltered; a place where willows grow. I don't know much about willows, but sheltered, seems to describe me most of the time. Though I was actually named after Julia Roberts character from Steel Magnolias, which I hope is not an indication of my future.

Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. SO ASK ME

Aw, thanks friends! I've been sad lately, kind of lonely. So I thought I'd ask. :)

2010-12-30T22:44:00.001-08:00

Aw, thanks friends! I've been sad lately, kind of lonely. So I thought I'd ask. :)

Answer here

I had a dream that I was married to Jay Baruchel.

2010-12-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

The dream started with us leaving our own reception, already out of our wedding attire. We got into a limo, a big one, high ceilings and lots of room. My maid of honor (who I didn’t recognize, although she reminded me of Daisy from Bones, who bothers me) and his best man (who I wish I didn’t recognize.) The four of us traveled in this limo for a good while, with Leann, Gahren and Chelsea following in a car behind us. Funny thing, I kind of looked like Zooey Deschanel, my bangs were back and I was kind of dressed like the indie cooner Jay helped me take off my boots, which were lace up, without the secret zipper in the back. We were so in love it was almost heartbreaking, well actually it make me happy. We got to our new house, a charming little thing that I had never seen before, brown and trimmed with blue. I told him I loved the blue, and we can fix the brown. He laughed and kissed me, he finds me charming. When we got out of the car Leann was already out, with Gahren leaning against the car and Chelsea still inside. I walked up to Leann and she hugged me. She looked back over my shoulder and commented on Jay’s choice of best man. “What? Jay and Matt are brothers.” Jay looked at me and then back at Mat, who was looking at me along with everyone else.
“Um, Shelby, I don’t think Matt is related to Jay Bar-” she mumbled off at the end, she’s always had trouble with his name.
“What was that?”
“Hm? What? I was just saying, I think we would have known if Matt were related to a famous actor.”
Matt snickered at that, “famous?” Jay smacked the back of his head.
I looked at Leann, who was hoping I’d let this slide, “you really need to work on say my husbands name. It is my name too, after all.”
“Wow, that is true, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it kind of makes me wow, too”
I hugged Leann, it was an amazing hug, she is an amazing hugger. She told me to take lots of pictures. Jay and I walked back to our home, my friends watched as he made me laugh and picked me up, carrying me over the threshold.

The next thing I remember is us laying in bed, it being very late. I made him promise not to leave when he got up. I wanted him there when I woke up. I woke up to him looking back at me with the same look I was giving him. I smiled, and we just laid there for a moment, before I said, “We’re married.”
“I know right?”
“I can’t believe we actually did this!” I rolled over and ran my fingers threw my hair, I took a deep breath and looked back at him. I jumped up and started jumping on the bed. “We’re married!” Jay grabbed my legs and tickled the back of my knee, I let myself fall, he grabbed me and kissed me, then told me he loved me. I brushed his hair back, “god, this is the moment of my life. I am so happy I could just burst. Just burst into a million pieces. What would you do if I burst?”
“Make you into little stars,” we were realistically in love, it was wonderful. I smiled and kissed him, and then when I looked at him, he seemed sad.
“Hey sad boy, what’s wrong?”
“I just wish he were there”
This seemed to upset me, though I don’t let it show, “we talked about this. It was just too awkward, besides, he hasn’t talked to either one of us since he left.”
“It just felt weird, not having him there”
“I know”
“He’s just always been there”
“I know, but maybe it’s time to start a new life. It’s a new day, a new chapter. Maybe it’s time to let all that go, I have.”
“Have you?”
“Of course I have.” He looks away from me, insecure, “Hey, trust me I have.”
Silence for a moment before he looks back at me, “do you remember the first time we met?”
“How could I forget?”
“That was the day we all met.”
“You know, I’d seen you earlier, when you first walked in, you were shaking your hair from the rain.”
“Wait, I thought, I thought Kevin. . .”
“No, it was me, I saw you first.”
“That means Kevin. . .”
“Stole you away from me.”
“Wow, can you just imagine how different things would have been?”
“I always kicked myself for not walking up to you when I had the chance.”
“Doesn’t really matter now does it?”
“No, it really doesn’t.”

And then I woke up.

I think it’s interesting that my Jay Baruchel dream somehow molded with the story I am writing.

Am I the only one. . .

2010-12-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

Who thinks that Amy Adams will do an amazing job? A fiery red head, who just so happens to be an amazing singer. I think kind of looks like her, and she is a fantastic actress. I know she is famous for playing the sweet innocent characters, but she has played other characters. As far as her voice goes, there is such thing as a voice coach. Joaquin Phoenix couldn't even sing the right key while filming Walk the Line, but got it right just before production started. Actors can mold and change themselves, that's why they're actors. It'll be great you'll see.

Dearest Shelby, You are damn amazing, and anyone to begs to differ shall be banished to the sweaty depths of hell. Dont EVER forget.:] Sincerely the bare truth, Anonymously.

2010-12-06T00:24:00.001-08:00

Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. SO ASK ME

Things I Wouldn't Buy Myself. . .

2010-11-28T20:46:00.001-08:00

Wish List by SJJH featuring heart jewelry

Poll: How do you think this new Gatsby movie will turn out?

2010-11-26T19:59:00.000-08:00

Poll: How do you think this new Gatsby movie will turn out?

Winter Clothes!

2010-11-20T02:16:00.000-08:00

WINTER by ANAMARIA:) no tag,I have many!!! featuring ankle boots

You've Got the Love D&G! by ..eVe.. featuring a cable knit dress

Snuggly Warm With Sperry. by Bethiesue featuring a knit hat

Fall Sweater Style by Bethiesue featuring an aviator hat

... by Natasha11™ featuring converse pumps

Writing A Horror Movie

2010-11-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

Rosemary's Baby

The Exorcist

The Others

The Sixth Sense

Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity 2

The Craft

Practical Magic

Say What?!

2010-11-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

Baz Luhrman is directing a remake of Scott Fitzgerald's classic, The Great Gatsby; starring Carey Mulligan, Tobey Maguire and Leonardo Dicaprio?!!

Say what?!!!!!!!

http://moviejunky101.wordpress.com/2010/11/18/hello-daisy-buchanan/

Claire Pettibone - Couture Bridal

2010-11-13T01:30:00.000-08:00

Claire Pettibone - Couture Bridal

Oh my goodness

Guess What I'm Reading!

2010-11-10T09:57:00.001-08:00

Lets play a game, it's called

Guess What I'm Reading

where you guess what it is I am reading!

CAUTION: EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE
Keep away from children
DO NOT SWALLOW OR INHALE
WARNING: Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling contents can be harmful or fatal

Have you got a guess in your head?

Well then here's your answer!

http://www.fauxfooddiner.com/silly/white_out.jpg

10 Things I Love About

2010-11-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ten Things I Love About Speak Now

10) The sing-songish feeling of Speak Now

9) I love that Better Than Revenge sounds like sequal to Forever and Always

8) The violin in Haunted

7) Dear John sounds like a John Mayer song, the guitar rifts and the length
6) the line "Come on show me how much better you are"

5) The best part of Mean: All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic

4) The way every song makes you think of someone you know or something you've been through
3) The slightly maturer feeling of the lyrics, while keeping true to herself

2) I love that I feel like I need to speak now, the way I felt Fearless

1) The feeling that Taylor Swift will always be able to make me smile

Drunk on Sadness

2010-10-24T01:07:00.000-07:00

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

To my favorite teacher
told me never give up
To my fifth grade crush
Who I thought I really loved
To the guys I've missed and the girls we've kissed
Where are you now

To my ex-best friends
Don't know how we grew apart
To my favorite band
Sing along in my car
To the face I see in my memory
Where are you now

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am

To my first girlfriend
I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend
Sorry that I screwed it up
To the ones I loved
Didn't show it enough
Where are you now

Where are you now
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am

I know we'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change but I know
I won't forget you

To the ones who came
Who we're there from the start
To the love that left
And took a piece of my heart
To the few who'd swear
They'd never go anywhere
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be how I am
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn't for you
I'd be nothing
Where are you now?

Endless Cycle Of Blah

2010-10-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have no ideas – I feel like this con-artist story is lackadaisical. Something I thought about in a dream that can really only work once. I’d love to just turn it into a story about me writing a story, but genius like Adaptation can really only happen once. (Damn you Charlie) so instead I sit here, typing out my thoughts, looking over my shoulder, hoping my boss doesn’t decide that today is the day to finally let me go. This is the only time in my life I have ever (and will ever) wish that I had a cubical. Something about be stranded by short fake walls seems comforting right now. It’s not that anyone can really sneak up on me. The building is pretty old and the floors creak and echo whenever someone walks down the hall. In fact I’ve gotten into the habit of memorizing peoples footsteps. I can almost tell, whoever it is, and sometimes even what they want by the sounds of steps. The thing is I don’t always stop what I am doing when I hear someone coming, because, well, they usually just walk on by. She has a habit of walking up and stopping to ask me something without actually saying my name. She just stands there and expects me to answer her. Which I guess is reasonable, considering we all know I heard her walk up. I guess what I really wish, is that we didn’t have a turn the other cheek policy. I feel like I’m a kid again, and I still don’t have any rules. It’s not a big deal considering that I am a good, well-mannered person who is more trouble to herself then she would ever be to anyone else, but like everyone, I need rules. No matter what anyone says they need and want rules, even if it’s just something to rebel against. The point is, like a child, I want to be told no. I want someone to yell at me and take away my toys. I want them to cut off internet from my computer, I want them to tell me not to just sit here and wait for the phone to ring. I want the same things I wanted when I was twelve. I want to matter. I want to feel important. I want people to care that I come in late, I want people to care that I take ten-minute bathroom breaks. I want people to care that I don’t do my job. No one cares, because I don’t care, I don’t care because no one else does. My life is an endless cycle of BLAH!

Unemployed

2010-10-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe this – I am going to lose my job. It’s interesting that just a few weeks ago, just a few days ago, hell last night, I was telling everyone how much I hate my job. Well don’t worry folks, I haven’t changed my mind, but now that I am about to be jobless I have realized. . . .I WILL BE JOBLESS! First of all, I am a human being and I can’t afford not to have a job. I need to work, because I’ve got bills to pay. I can’t lose my job, at least right now! Hell it’s October! Soon it’ll be Thanksgiving, then Christmas! And that’s just a hop-skip and a jump away from spring semester and once school starts I won’t even have time to have a job! Oh shit I am buggin.

Anyone know someone who’s hiring?

Dream Bride

2010-10-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Dream A Little Dream. . . by SJJH featuring white tops

My Heart by Paramore (cover)

2010-10-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

As covered (?) by the Grattan sisters !
*Some wickedly talented people here!*

Best Mix Ever?

2010-10-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

Kings and Queens - 30 Seconds to Mars
Brick By Boring Brick - Paramore
A Modern Myth - 30 Seconds to Mars
Hero/Heroine (Acoustic) [Bonus Track] - Boys Like Girls
If It Means a Lot to You - A Day to Remember
Cat and Mouse - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Ignorance - Paramore
Toxicity - System Of A Down
I Miss You - Incubus
I Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
Careful - Paramore
The Silence - Mayday Parade
If I Only Had the Heart - The Maine
Playing God - Paramore
Kids In Love - Mayday Parade
The Kill [Bury Me] (Edit) - 30 Seconds to Mars
Miracle - Paramore
The Only Exception - Paramore
Glitter In the Air - P!nk
Remembering Sunday - All Time Low

I'm kind of obsessed with this mix I made - I've been listening to it all week

This Week’s Movie Madness w/ the Movie Junky

2010-09-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hello friends & followers!
I know it's been a while since I posted a real blog, so here it is!
Ha, well anyway for those of you who don't know I also have a movie blog :) A blog that is dedicated to just that MOVIES! Basically it's a review/rant blog-type-thing. For my first movie, I reviewed Easy A, check it out here: http://moviejunky101.wordpress.com/
So NOW, I would like to ask all of you what my next move should be! Here are your choices - Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, You Again, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole, Buried or Waiting For Superman
I'm up for anything, so just let me know, what YOU want ;)

60's Hippie Vs. 90's Grunge

2010-09-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

60's hippie vs. 90's grunge by ModCloth featuring a tie belt

Women's Dresses | Mod Retro Vintage Clothing & Indie Clothes |...
$50 - modcloth.com
Vintage inspired dresses »

Women's T-Shirts | Mod Retro Vintage Clothing & Indie Clothes |...
$30 - modcloth.com
Vintage tops »

Socks & Tights | Mod Retro Vintage Jewelry & Vintage Accessories |...
$22 - modcloth.com
Vintage Jewelry socks »

Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes
$88 - modcloth.com

Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes
$28 - modcloth.com

Thrifting in Tulsa Boot
$80 - modcloth.com
Fold over boots »

Signature Boot | Mod Retro Vintage Boots | ModCloth.com
$85 - modcloth.com
Vintage boots »

Handbags | Mod Retro Vintage Purses, Totes & Clutches | ModCloth.com
$54 - modcloth.com
Vintage bag »

Opal of My Eye Ring
$10 - modcloth.com
Cocktail ring jewelry »

Necklaces | Mod Retro Vintage Jewelry & Vintage Accessories |...
$25 - modcloth.com
Vintage jewelry »

Necklaces | Mod Retro Vintage Jewelry & Vintage Accessories |...
$18 - modcloth.com
Vintage jewelry »

Eyewear | Mod Retro Vintage Sunglasses | ModCloth.com
$12 - modcloth.com
Vintage sunglasses »

Never Belt This Way
$15 - modcloth.com
Tie belt »

Accessories | Mod Retro Indie Accessories & Vintage Accessories |...
$14 - modcloth.com

black border
tumblr.com

Created by Me :)

2010-09-14T20:48:00.001-07:00

Big City Blues by SJJH featuring a sapphire ring

I Wanna Be A Rock Star

2010-09-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

I would give anything to sing like Hayley Williams, but I'd settle for Rosario Dawson :)

It is not fair that I can't sing, I'd be an amazing rocker chick! I'd be a fantastic front woman! I think Hayley Williams is a beast! (in a good way) I would give just about anything to sing like her. I also think Rosario Dawson was amazing in Rent. I want to be a rock star, but I want range! I want to be able to moonlight as a Broadway star! HA, as if *rolls eyes*

I think I'm a little bit of both - Although the glam rock jumped right out at me, I'd probably more likely be seen in the garage rock.

Garage Rock vs. Glam Rock! by ModCloth featuring a faux fur vest

Sweet Little Lines Dress | Mod Retro Vintage Dresses | ModCloth.com
$70 - modcloth.com
Vintage clothing dresses »

Stripe the Good Stripe Top
$25 - modcloth.com
Short sleeve tops »

That's the Way Love Goes Jacket in Musician | Mod Retro Vintage...
$60 - modcloth.com
Vintage jacket »

For Sure, Faux Fur Vest
$65 - modcloth.com
Faux fur vest »

Be a Star Tights
$16 - modcloth.com
Tights »

Hang Tight Pants
$65 - modcloth.com
Slim pants »

Red-y Mercury Boot | Mod Retro Vintage Heels | ModCloth.com
$188 - modcloth.com
Vintage shoes »

Signature Boot
$85 - modcloth.com
Lace up boots »

Mixtape It Up Necklace
$12 - modcloth.com
Chain jewelry »

Sheena Ring
$14 - modcloth.com
Sport jewelry »

Case Closed Necklace
$62 - modcloth.com
Chain necklace »

Alassin Sane Necklace
$24 - modcloth.com
Chain necklace »

Anthropology

2010-09-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

Style 101: Fashion Illustration vs. Anthropology by ModCloth featuring a vintage bag

A-floral-able Dress | Mod Retro Vintage Dresses | ModCloth.com
$48 - modcloth.com
Vintage style dresses »

Sheer Beauty Top
$90 - modcloth.com
Silk tee »

Bestie Cardigan in Cherry
$50 - modcloth.com
Cardigans »

Quintessential Little Black Skirt
$37 - modcloth.com
Black skirt »

'Cause I'm Close to the Wedge
$35 - modcloth.com
Vest shoes »

In the Wilde Flat
$38 - modcloth.com
Oxford shoes »

We Bag to Differ | Mod Retro Vintage Bags | ModCloth.com
$90 - modcloth.com
Vintage bag »

Back in the Saddle Bag | Mod Retro Vintage Bags | ModCloth.com
$60 - modcloth.com
Vintage bag »

Not on My Watch Necklace
$25 - modcloth.com
Vintage style jewelry »

Having a Heart Time Watch
$24 - modcloth.com
Heart jewelry »

Amazon.com: Anthropology (13th Edition) (MyAnthroLab Series)...
$89 - amazon.com

Amazon.com: Illustration for Fashion Design: Twelve Steps to the…
$70 - amazon.com

Style | Mod Retro Vintage Books | ModCloth.com
$20 - modcloth.com

Uncharted Territory Passport Holder
$18 - modcloth.com

Black Border - By Jordin
fanpop.com

City Slicker Heel

2010-09-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Style Inpiration: City Slicker Heel by ModCloth featuring sheer shorts

Sci Fi Heroine Dress | Mod Retro Vintage Dresses | ModCloth.com
$48 - modcloth.com
Vintage dress »

Tea's on Top
$60 - modcloth.com
Sheer blouse »

Sunnyledge Cardigan
$50 - modcloth.com
Tank tops »

Sought-After Style Coat
$85 - modcloth.com
Plaid coat »

A Clean Slate Shorts
$38 - modcloth.com
Sheer shorts »

Little Black Tights
$16 - modcloth.com
Black tights »

Leisurely Lavender Tights
$30 - modcloth.com
Leggings tights »

City Slicker Heel | Mod Retro Vintage Heels | ModCloth.com
$54 - modcloth.com
Vintage shoes »

Fierce Financier Clutch
$38 - modcloth.com
Leopard handbag »

Midnight Hour Watch
$30 - modcloth.com
Circle jewelry »

Squirrel Power Earrings
$20 - modcloth.com
Earrings »

Cloche To Me in Charcoal | Mod Retro Vintage Hats | ModCloth.com
$40 - modcloth.com
Vintage hat »

square border - use
fanpop.com

Plum Sweater

2010-09-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

Style Inspiration: Beat of Your Own Plum Sweater by ModCloth featuring a vintage sweater

Daisy Do Right Dress | Mod Retro Vintage Dresses | ModCloth.com
$57 - modcloth.com
Mod dress »

Model Citizen Top
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Fictional Moral Dilemma

2010-09-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have a moral dilemma my dear readers. (A fictional one that is) The fictional story that I am currently working on (obsessed with) has hit a bit of a snag. As any good writer, I like to think ahead, and although the characters have not yet lead me to a ending, I have some subplot problems to deal with first. First of all the story kind of surrounds the main character, Alice’s brothers death, although I like to consider this a story about love and friendship centered around the last childhood summer and beloved beach house, I needed something to carry the story. The big problem is the main antagonist, Jacob. Although (I’m using that word a lot today) I think the real antagonist is the past, Alice’s brother’s death, Alice and Jacob’s past, as well as the future, where are they going to go from here, what happens next kind of thing. Which may or may not make sense, I’m really not sure yet. The point, my oh-so-lifeless friends [You get it? Because if you’re reading this blog you must have absolutely no life, because there is no way that this is at all interesting to any of you] is simple in my mind Alice isn’t the only one dealing with loss. Jacob himself has a sick mother at home (cancer) who dies just after graduation. The point is to make Jacob a victim so when the truth comes out about some of his. . . lets just call them flaws, we don’t leave the people thinking he’s a complete ass. You see my point of all this is to show everyone’s flaws as simply that, flaws, not something that completely overtakes their personality. Actually that’s a lie, I have no idea what the point of this story is.

I DIGRESS!

The question at hand lovely blog readers is this: Should Jacob (ex-boyfriend of Alice, wannabe player) have a mother dying of cancer, and should she die after graduation?

Blog Break

2010-09-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

I am not blogging right now, because I am working on a story of epic
proportions! Okay so maybe epic isn't the right word, but I am working on something that I am very excited about. A story about a group of straightedge kids trying to deal with life & death. A lot of the characters are very close to my heart and the story is something I've been wanting to work on for quite some time now. I just needed an angle, something to drive the story, but not overwhelm it.

The Secret Life of the American Straight Edge

2010-08-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of reasons why I am against having sex in high school, for one thing you’re not an adult, you can’t vote, you can’t drink, you can’t even buy a lottery ticket. Other then the physical and emotional fact of just being prematurely developed, I think that most children that age just don’t take it seriously. Not children, no that’s not the right word, kids, I don’t think kids take it seriously enough. I know that just about every teenager watching this show right now rolled their eyes and turned away from the TV, just about the same as every parent watching this show doing the exact opposite. I’m not saying that all teenagers are immature and underdeveloped in high school, I know I wasn’t, but what we don’t realize at that age is that we are in fact kids. Not children, not babies, but kids, young people who have no idea how to handle the real world, and that’s the honest truth. I made a promise to myself when I was 13 years old, just after I found out that one of my friends was already having sex, that I would wait until I was at least 21 to lose my virginity, and I did, I have, and it honestly wasn’t that hard. I think a big reason sex is such a nonchalant thing these days is because of the way we talk about it now. I think that’s why I choose my words the way that I do. I call it loosing my virginity, not having sex or making love. Just calling it ‘having sex’ makes it seem like something everyone is doing, and all though it may seem that way, trust me friends not EVERYONE is doing it, and sometimes the people who aren’t can be surprising. Also calling it ‘making love’ is like saying you’re doing something almost heroic. I’m not saying that teenagers can’t fall in love, I’m not saying that at all, in fact quite the opposite, I think it’s the only time that you can fall in love so purely. Growing up is hard, and becoming an adult is even harder. Sometimes in the adult world things happen backwards. Sometimes it’s about sex before it’s about love, and in high school it’s about love. I think having sex at that age is robbing, not only a young persons physical innocence, but emotional innocence. I think that high school should be about having fun, innocent fun, because you are never going to feel that way again, you will never feel as free and innocent in your enjoyment of anything ever again. I think the high school years should be spend falling in love, slowly and completely, with your heart and soul. The kind of love that makes your heart melt just to touch their hand. High school should be a time to sneak out of the house just to have a glow in the dark water gun fight. At that age you should be dressing like a maniac and dying your hair green, because when you’re older you’re not going to be able to do most of these things without people thinking you’re a little nuts, or still a 15-year-old kid. Okay here’s what I’m getting at: I’m not saying that high school kids should sit around with that grade school mind set of kissing is icky, I think you should make out with your boyfriend in the back seat of a car, I just don’t think people that age should be ‘going all the way.’ Save that for college, spend the high school years acting like a kid, enjoying what is left of your oh-so-short childhood.

Art consists of reshaping life but it does not create life, nor cause life.

2010-08-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written this week, nothing important to say I guess. We’re working on the Bad Romance video, and HOPEFULLY, if all goes according to plan, it will be somewhat over mediocre (which is what I consider myself at this stage) I think, right now, music videos are my strongest subject. I think that says a lot about music videos in general. For the most part there is no sound to bother with, because you’re using already recorded material. There is only about 4 minutes of screen time that you need to utilize, and your only real job is to make the artist look good. Other then that it is all really just artistic liberties. Which is great, don’t get me wrong it’s just, not much of anything really. So you can keep peoples attention for 4 minutes while a catchy song plays, how is that really an accomplishment? I think I’m just selling myself short. I know, as well as anyone, that any type of artistic anything, isn’t easy. It’s not easy to get people to appreciate your work, let alone enjoy it. It’s one thing to say you appreciate something, and another thing entirely to say you like something. I guess, out of fear, I sell what I do short, because it’s not what I want to be doing. I want to be making movies, even independent movies, with real actors, and real cameras and real sound, lighting, scripts. I fell trapped in this poorly lit mediocre amateur hour. I think it causes me to lose focus, and settle for the 3rd take instead of insisting on another. Stanley Kubrick would be very disappointed.

I want to be a songwriter

2010-08-12T11:27:00.001-07:00

I wish I could write a song about how much I hate my job.
Okay so maybe I don’t hate my job, I’m just bored with it. I don’t understand how people can just stay in the same place for 10 years, 20 years, 50 years! That would drive me NUTS! I really do wish I had the ability to write songs. . .

365 Project

2010-08-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

I deleted my account . . . I don't even know why I made one, I have absolutely no interest in becoming a photographer I don't even want to be a cinematographer

The Second Coming of the Breakfast Club

2010-07-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

The second (I think) dream I had was a Breakfast Club type of situation. Only we were in a giant library and their was more then 5 people. There was geeks and nerds (yes theres a difference) Princesses and princes, bad boys, jocks every kind of person stereotype you could think of. We were all sitting at tables, and no one was suppose to move from their seats. That wouldn't be too much of a problem if it worn't for this LOUD ringing booming obnoxiously throughout the entire place. So I (in a Ramona V. Flowers inspired look) Got up and marched to where the noise was coming from. I climbed on top of a table and started throwing things off of the shelves. Then there it was again, the ringing. I sharply turned to the right and there it was, a red box. I tore it off the wall, and. . . .and inside that box was. . . a phone?

And then I woke up and realized that I was dreaming about my alarm clock

When I got scared, the Rain Man would come and sing to me

2010-07-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

I had a dream like Rainman, well it reminded me of Rainman. That in a way would seem like I completely ripped off Rainman, if I was in fact trying to publish this story. There was this mentally challenged man, more autistic I think, then anything else. I was there, playing the sympathetic neighbor, to the Tom Cruise type, brother character of this man. He had the strangest, modern, even futuristic apartment, with cramped hallways and a large kitchen. And there was this bathroom (yes I kid you not) that he guarded. There was this crazy vault like door that he wouldn’t even allow us to touch. Anyway, one day the Tom Cruise character, not only touched the door, but somehow got into that room, seeing that it was a bathroom (now I have no idea what was so important/sacred about this bathroom, I just know it meant a lot to Rainman) Well when Rainman found TC, he was NOT happy, he threw a fit! [You know now that I think of it Rainman was more strange, quirky then actually mentally challenged, I actually think it changed through out the dream, and as of right now we’re just going to think of a tortured (turned crazy) old man type without actually being an old man (maybe even Boo Radley type)] Once again ANYWAY, Rainman pulled TC out of there, closed the door and TC muttered something about their parents. [Apparently something of significance happened to their parents in a bathroom (once again I would like to point out the Rainman reference) man I am an unoriginal dreamer] Well in any case, a fight broke out, well as much of a fight as two very poorly adjusted brothers, one with some kind of mental, block, and the other some kind of ex-jock, so as you probably could have guessed it wasn’t a fair fight. Especially considering Rainman was just defending his territory where as TC was just taking out his anger, which isn’t fair. Well I step in, or me in the story/dream thing, and break up the right and comfort Rainman, and completely maddog TC. The whole left side of Rainman’s face was red and starting to swell, so I sat him down and applied ice. After that I’m not really sure what happened because I found myself in another dream.

3 - 18

2010-07-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

3 hours and 18 minutes for the love of god this day is lasting FOREVER

Lingering. . .

2010-07-29T09:29:00.001-07:00

I don’t know if it’s the lingering Nightquil or sickness, but I feel very tired and light headed right now. I’m off balance and having trouble keeping my head up. My throat doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s a lot easier to breathe. I’m not sneezing as much, but I am coughing twice as much. I still have no appetite, but I still get that empty, black hole feeling when I take my medicine. I say I’m getting better, but being out of the house and around people, really makes me wonder if I am better at all.

Ramona V. Flowers hair cut. . . bad idea?

2010-07-28T14:21:00.001-07:00

Ramona V. Flowers hair cut. . . bad idea?

Answer here

Dream A Little Dream

2010-07-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Something strange comes to mind, a dream, a story I made up when I was younger. The Shadow Creatures, the shadows from my windows and my tired eyes playing tricks on me would paint these strange shadows on the ceiling, and sometimes I swear they would move. In my story, or my dream (I’m not really sure which) the Shadow Creatures would steal your dreams, leaving you with only nightmares. You were most vulnerable when your mind was in neverland. The place between dreaming and being awake, the place where you can still remember your dreams, the time when it’s hard to tell weather or not you’ve fallen asleep or not. The only way to protect yourself from the Shadow Creatures, was to stay alert in neverland, which is not an easy thing to do. Hiding under your covers and hanging dream catchers, could also help, but the more you would fight them, the more intrigued they would become. It wasn’t until I realized Shadow Creatures true weakness, that I could get a good, easy night sleep. They cannot see their reflection, if they are to see themselves in the mirror they would get trapped. So I hung a string of triangle shaped glass above my bed, and slept with a hand mirror under my pillow. It wasn’t until I caught one, trapped it forever behind the glass, that the creatures realized I wasn’t afraid of them anymore. They realized that no one, no thing, big or small was going to keep me from dreaming.

Sick and Tired

2010-07-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am tired and sick. Literally. I can’t even walk up the stairs without getting lightheaded. I barely slept last night. I was having trouble breathing. It’s times like these I wish I had a boyfriend, someone to force into taking care of me, even if it’s just on the phone, someone to do all the talking and read to me as I fall asleep. *sigh* A girl can dream can’t she?

Curiouser and Curiouser

2010-07-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that Gwar was in my living room, and I gave Oderus Urungus a glass of water. I’m not sure what it means, but it was strange, even in the dream I was sitting there thinking, this is strange. Though it makes me wonder what they all look like without the costumes, although I’m sure it’s like Rey Mysterio without the mask, completely disappointing and almost silly. He looks like some random little Mexican kid, he doesn’t even look his age, and he certainly does not match his body.

Shadow Dancer

2010-07-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

I use to be Tiny Dancer and everything that the song implies. Now I feel like a shadow, a ghost. Passing though life in the darkness, while everyone lives in the light.

Follow my 365 progress at http://365project.org/sjjh/365

In Vino Veritas

2010-07-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

by Edgar Lara

I didn't mean to forget about posting, it has been a crazy week and Saturday proved to be incredibly stressful. Thanks so much to Edgar and Nancy for making my midnight pancake run fun, and interesting.

Tunnel Vision

2010-07-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Ashley Melissa Peralta
The strongest and most loving, kind, passionate person I know. A better title for this would be Superwoman

Speechless

2010-07-22T21:24:00.001-07:00

Today I have no words, only this:

Bright Eyes

Elijah Lorie Peralta, the love of everyone's life

Follow my 365 photo project here: http://365project.org/sjjh/profile

365 Project - Day 1

2010-07-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

I decided, for my first picture to upload the first picture I took. I used my video camera (Daydream) because I don’t have a regular camera. It’s blurry, I know, but it’s the first one I took. Actually I did take a about 10 pictures, but I actually liked this one. I don't know why, I just do :)

MOVIES!

2010-07-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

This is it folks, THE list of movies that I've seen and liked (or loved)

(500) Days of Summer
28 Days Later
3:10 To Yuma (Both)
300
40-Year-Old Virgin
A Beautiful Mind
A Bugs Life
A Clockwork Orange
A History of Violence
A Scanner Darkly
A Serious Man
A Single Man
A.I. Artificial Intelligence
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Across the Universe
Almost Famous
Amélie
American Beauty
American Graffiti
American History X
An American in Paris
An Education
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Annie Hall
As Good As It Gets
Avatar
Back to the Future Triligy
Batman
Batman and Robin
Batman Begins
Batman Forever
Batman Returns
Beavis and Butthead Do America
Big Fish
Black Snake Moan
Bowling for Columbine
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Brokeback Mountain
But I’m A Cheerleader
Casablanca
Casino Royale
Cats & Dogs
Changeling
Chasing Amy
Chicago
Children of Men
Chinatown
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Closer
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Constantine
Crash (2005)
Cruel Intentions
Dawn of the Dead
Dazed and Confused
Dead Poet Society
Despicable Me
Devil's Rejects
District 9
Dogma
Donnie Darko
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Duck Soup
Dumb and Dumer
Ed Wood
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Fight Club
Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo
Finding Neverland
Forrest Gump
Full Metal Jacket
Funny People
Garden State
Girl, Interrupted
Gone With The Wind
Gone with the Wind
GrindHouse
Hannibal
Harry Potter 12345
Harsh Times
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
House of 1000 Corpses
How to Train Your Dragon
I Am Sam
Idiocracy
Imitation of Life (Both)
Inception
Inglourious Basterds
Jane Austen Book Club
Jarhead
Jaws
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jerry Mcguire
Jersey Girl
Juno
Kill Bill Volume 1&2
King Kong (2005)
Knocked Up
Lemony Snicketts: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
Liar Liar
Lilo & Stich
Little Miss Sunshine
Live Free or Die Hard
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Lord of War
Lost in Translation
Matchstick Men
Meet The Parents
Meet The Robinsons
Memento
Milk
Modern Times
Monster
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Moulin Rouge!
Mr. & Mr. Smith
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Munich
My Best Friends Wedding
Night of the Living Dead
Nosferatu
Office Space
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Pan's Labyrinth
Phone Booth
Pirates of The Caribbean: At Words End
Pirates of The Caribbean: Curse Of The Black Pearl
Planet of The Apes (1968)
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Shappire
Psycho
Pulp Fiction
Rain Man
Ratatouille
Rebel Without a Cause
Red Dragon
Reefer Madness (both)
Reservoir
Reservoir Dogs
Revolutionary Road
Rocky
Roman Holiday
Romeo + Juliet
Saved!
Saving Private Ryan
Saw 1&2
Say Anything
School of Rock
Se7en
Serendipity
Shaun of the Dead
Sherlock Holmes
Signs
Sin City
Slumdog Millionaire
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
Spanglish
Spiderman 1&2
Spirited Away
Star Trek
Star Wars Episode I: The Pahtom Menace
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Stranger than Fiction
Sunset Blvd.
Super Size Me
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1&2
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Thank You For Smoking
The Apartment
The Brothers Bloom
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Departed
The Emperor’s New Groove
The Godfather Part I & II
The Grapes of Wrath
The Great Dictator
The Green Mile
The Hurt Locker
The Illusionist
The Incredibles
The Inside Man
The Jacket
The Jane Austen Book Club
The Last King of Scotland
The Lion King
The Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship Of The Ring
The Matrix
The Nightmare Before Christmas
The Notebook
The Number 23
The Prestige
The Princess Bride
The Producers (Both)
The Professional
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Sandlot
The Science of Sleep
The Shawshank Redemption
The Shining
The Silence of the Lambs
The Sixth Sense
The Village
The Virgin Suicides
The Wedding Singer
The Wizard of Oz
The Wrestler
There Will Be Blood
There's Something about Mary
Titanic
To Kill a Mockingbird
Tombstone
Tootsie
Toy Story
Unbreakable
Unfaithful
Up in the Air
V For Vendetta
Vanilla Sky
Waitress
Walk The Line
Wall-E
Wanted
Watchmen
Wedding Crashers
West Side Story
Wicker Man (orginal)
Wicker Park
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
X2 X- Men United
X-Men
Zombeland

(List is updated every-so-often)

365

2010-07-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have officially signed up for the 365 Project, I’m just not sure when I am going to start. I was thinking about waiting until Monday just so I can start at the beginning of the week, but that seems kind of silly. Besides if I don’t start now I might never actually get this thing started. It would be nice to actually have a camera, I don’t want to lug my video camera around all the time. Although maybe I should, I could start the 365 moving picture project. A video a day, filmed, edited and uploaded. Video blog, unedited moment in your day, a silent movie, a music video, anything and everything you could possibly record. Hm I am very interested in this now. . . so what do you think? If I were to start this project, would you start it with me? Would you join in the recording and posting of random life moments? This would be a great time to own one of those flip cameras. Too bad it only holds about 2 hours of space, but I guess the point of that camera is to just flip it out when something, silly, random or wonderful happens. Sill, I don’t know, I really wanted one for a while, I even went as far as to create a design online. I used that picture from spring break, the orange one. It would have been really neat to have that picture on a camera.

Anyways, 365 Project, I am hereby, officially taking part in it. I am not a photographer, but it wouldn’t hurt to have something to do everyday.

Also, what do you think of the 365 Video Project? Maybe we can start the 52 V-project, a video a week. Once a week might be easier, more fun for us editing perfectionists. Too much, not enough? Let me know.

AHHHH!

2010-07-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

For the love of something it is only 11:32

BLANK

2010-07-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say, nothing to do, nothing to think. I have no feelings, no thoughts no ideas. It took all of my strength just to write these few sentences.

SHHHHHHHHHHH!

2010-07-21T09:34:00.001-07:00

The guys are playing very whiny, very loud country music, right underneath our window. . . it is very distracting.

Dream Within A Dream

2010-07-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of impressionism, more importantly, Salvador Dali, even though this is a pedestrian way of saying it. He paints the subconscious mind. He paints dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I came up with an idea, or Salvador Dali came up with it for me. I dream of elephants, though they are not quite the creatures of Dali’s Temptation of Saint Anthony. Still, they are not quite like normal elephants either. They’re skin is like a movie screen. Not that they’re skin is colored or moving, but acting as a giant projector screen. I watch them from a distance the closer I get the more their size frightened me. Not that my size, or the size of a real elephant matters, these elephants are much, much bigger. One gets too close, to the point where I can feel his rough skin against my cheek. I don’t dare reach out and touch him; I just take a step back to see the pictures on his side. They are of me, moving memories of my childhood. Or I assume it’s me, I can see myself, but I can’t remember the memories being played. Things like bath times, and storybooks, car trips and theme parks. Being projected from nowhere. I can see the light of the projector coming from nowhere. I’m not sure if it is out of fear, or love of the unknown that I stay, unmoved. I sit in the sand and watch the elephants pass as my life, literally flashes before my eyes. I watch in awe, not only of the creatures, but myself, and that moment I realize I was in fact, dreaming. It breaks my heart to know I can’t stay here, but I’m not sure I want to. It’s a conflicting bittersweet feeling. Then I wake up. Like I always do. If you knew me, you wouldn’t be surprised to hear I dream of, what I consider, my favorite animal, but I don’t usually dream about animals. Strange, considering that I practically grew up in an animal shelter. The only reason I bring up Dali, is because that’s how my dreams feel to me, at least some of the time. Sometimes they feel real. Almost ridiculously so, almost to the point where I couldn’t tell if I were awake or not anymore, which makes real life, reality, all the harder to bear. I am in some way, I think, afraid of reality. Reality is work, while dreams are easy, even when they’re not, because you always wake up.

are you mad at me for leaving?

2010-07-20T21:52:00.001-07:00

Yes and no. I was, but I think I was more angry at things falling apart (which they did, completely) but I can't stay mad at you. You have your own troubles and your own things that you have to deal with. I understand. I don't hold a grude and I would still love to be concidered your friend.

Ask me anything

365 Project

2010-07-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

http://365project.org/

So what do you think? should I do it?

Pessimistic Road

2010-07-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

I always do something weird when I get a good night sleep. And by ‘good nights sleep’ I mean the full 8 hours. And by weird I mean, I woke up this morning under the scratchy blanket, with the sheet all balled up next to me. Another thing that kind of annoys me, even though I got this great night of sleep, I still woke up late. With only about 10 minutes to spear. Wtf! Honestly, I was awake at 7, 7:30 and even 8, but instead of actually getting myself out of bed, washing my face, actually wearing make-up or fixing my hair. I get up at 8:22 rush out of bed turn on the straightener, brush my teeth, run some gel through my hair, put on some presentable clothes (considering I was wearing a tiny black nighty) then I quickly straighten my hair, all in less then 12 minutes. You see if I had gotten up at 7, 7:30 or even 8, I might have had time to notice the stain on my shirt, last nights leftover make-up smudges and I would have time to wash last night’s shame off my face. (That’s a story I can’t even bring myself to tell) Oy to the vey, it’s one of those days. Welcome to pessimistic road everyone. Bring all you’ve got folks, because no matter how much you talk yourself up, we will tear you down.

Pathetic, Self-Pity Bull Shit

2010-07-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

I want to cry. I am sitting here and involuntarily trying to make myself cry. (Which I know sounds like a contradiction, but) I literally cannot cry right now, but I want to. I feel like I am at war with myself. I want to cry, but I can’t, I literally had to shake myself out of it. I don’t know why I am trying to cry. Maybe it’s because I’m tired. Maybe it’s because I am so fucking lonely. I wouldn’t know, all I know is that this pathetic, self-pity bull shit needs to stop.

Trivial Talk With Shelby: Throw Up

2010-07-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about throwing up. I was thinking about the things that are easy (or at least easier) to throw up. Like root beer, which tastes the same coming up (only warmer, and flat.) Therefore if you know you are going to throw up here are something’s to consider. (By knowing I mean because you are sick, not because you have an eating disorder) (if you do have an eating disorder I cannot condone it, and in fact I completely disapprove) (not that it really matters what I think, but well there it is.) ANYWAY here are a few things not to do: DO NOT eat spicy food (I don’t know why this would even be a conversation, but there it is.) Do not it chunky food (anything you have to work to swallow, trust me it’s more work coming up) Now for one you might not know: Pancakes, don’t eat em, for one thing they expand in your stomach, so therefore they bites are bigger when they come back up, and that ladies and gentlemen, is an painful experience. With that in mind, it’s probably best to avoid all foods with baking powder. I know this probably doesn’t leave a lot to choose from, but hey, when you’re sick who really wants to eat that much anyways?

And this has been another trivial talk with Shelby. =D

[(Weird, Random Question) can you choke on your own vomit, as it is coming back up?]

Other words that mean throw up: Heave, Hurl, Puke, Regurgitate, Retch, Ruminate, Spew, Spit Up, Upchuck

A Little Crush

2010-07-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, I have a crush.

I am crushing bad.

Damnit.

10 A.M.

2010-07-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

And as predicted, I feel (and look) like complete shit. Went to bed around 3, fell asleep around 4. Luckily enough, the boys have a game tonight, so I will have the house mostly to myself this evening. Although, I probably shouldn’t just got to sleep at 3 o’clock. (Only to wake up at 8, feeling hungry and active.) Then inevitably I am not tired when 10 o’clock rolls around (therefore putting me in this endless cycle of bad mornings and boring evenings) Although, I do end up losing weight during these weeks, which is both bad and good (because I don’t eat, and that’s never a good way to lose weight.) Even though, all I want to do is run right home and go to sleep, that is not what I am going to do. Instead, I am going to going to go to my favorite coffee shop (the Starbucks in La Verne with the really pretty tree in the back over the patio) order some hot chocolate (because I don’t drink caffeine) and get some writing done. I am VERY interested in this Romeo & Juliet type romance (centered in a 24-hour cafe) I have been working on. I would like to thank the graveyard shift at Ihop for their inspiration. Though I guess it was more of a feeling for one of the subjects. I just hope that doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass. Though I would (kind of, sort of, really, really) love if SOMEONE did take notice.

A Kiss With A Fist

2010-07-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

I am a flirt, a terrible flirt. Well that’s not exactly true, considering I have no idea how to actually go about flirting. I do, however, try very hard to get people to fall in love with me. I have this fantasy of being fought over. Of having at least 3 guys (and maybe even a girl or two) completely obsessed with me. Consumed by me, in love with me to the point of distraction, something of a dramatic Something About Mary situation. Although there is always one person, one guy, that I want. I’m never torn or questioning, I just want him. I always choose him, no matter what one of the others offer me. That’s the thing about obsession, addiction, it’s not love, you see, none of these boys (or girls) are actually in love with me, they just think they are. Rather, they are in love with the thought of me, the idea of being with someone like me. Someone that makes them themselves, someone who will be the person they want, they need. That’s what I do, I am in the business of dreams, I am a dream girl, and I am wicked good at what I do. Though of course, this mystery man of mine, the man of my dreams sees right through all of that. He knows me for who I am, and what I want to be. He finds a way to make me genuine and make me real. I guess the real reason I do all of this, is to find someone like that, my very own magic man. Someone to take care of me, not so much in a mother-father sort of way, just someone to notice. Someone who notices when I’m not feeling well or when I’m sad. Someone who can stand up to me and tell me when enough is enough. Not someone who stands back and lets me do whatever the hell I want to do, because we all know that sometimes what I want to do, isn’t at all what I should be doing. Besides, isn’t that what I’ve been looking for my entire life? Someone to give me boundaries? Which I guess is the same thing every kid who ‘acts out’ is looking for. Boundaries, rules, love. Eck, there it is again, that impossible little word that makes me want to pull my hair out. What can I say? It’s what I want. Though I know, I wouldn’t know it if it were smacking me in the face. I’ve never been in love, and sometimes I think I never will be. I can just imagine myself falling in love and never realizing it, shying away from it, running away from it; because I’m scared, because I’m me. Happiness isn’t a color I wear too often. Winning isn’t something I’ve ever been accustomed too. It’s hard to change the way you lose, when you think you’ve never won. So, like I said, love isn’t something I know, or have known, and it’s not something I’m looking for either. If it happens, it happens, but I’m not looking for it. Although, once again, like I said, I probably wouldn’t know it if it were smacking me in the face, so now a new, question arises: How will I know? All I’ve ever known of love is heartbreak. (Yes I know that sounds like a cheese-y country song, but it’s the truth.) I guess you can say I never really learned how to love. LAME CHEESEY & don’t forget STUPID. I’m tired of talking about this, so it’s time to tuck and roll, abandon the subject and move on. . . .

The Weary Kind

2010-07-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

I’m tired. The kind of tired that creeps up on you all day long, the kind of tired that’s easy to hide. The kind that really only shows in your eyes, and really, how often does someone look you in the eyes?

I won't tell them your name

2010-07-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Instead of sitting down and shifting through the painstaking process of trying to think of the perfect name, and surname, for each and every person I ever name in this blog, journal, memoir. . . thing, I am making one up, just off the top of my head. Every time I come to a point on my written journey in which I would like to talk about a certain person, I just use the first name, that is not their own, that comes to my mind. It’s been working out pretty spectacularly so far and hopefully it will throw people off enough so they at the very least, have a hard time identifying who each person is. Not that I am afraid of anyone knowing who or what they are in this toxic wasteland I call my mind. I’m just trying to take everyone’s feelings into consideration. This way, if anything thing ever does come of all this writing I’ve been doing, I don’t have to worry about people getting their feelings hurt and taking it out on me, or my publishers. (My we’re getting cocky aren’t we?) Also, it makes it harder for any of those people with hurt feelings to sue me, for hurting their reputation or whatever it is people sue other people for in these kind of situation.

Side note: We must figure out why it is that I talk this way. Starting off normal enough, they I try to get fancy, only to go back to sounding like a normal young adult. Seriously, what’s up with that?

I Love You

2010-07-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

Three very simple, very small words, so I ask you, who made them so damn special? Who decided that it was a good idea to put a word to love? Why does there need to be a word to it all? It’s just a thing, a very powerful, spiritual, lovely wonderful thing! Why in heaven’s name did SOMEONE have make it so damn complicated?! Think about it, if there had never been a word for how you were feeling would it have been such a big deal that you couldn’t say it? Would it have been that big of a deal if they didn’t say it back? Pray tell, how many times has this phrase, not the meaning gotten you into trouble? It’s a nuisance, a bother, a menace to society, and it needs to be stopped!

Whatever Shelby

2010-07-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

It’s 6:30, I just woke up. I’ve been asleep for 8 hours. For the first time, in a long time, I slept for eight hours on a work night. Usually I make up for all the lack of sleep I got during the week, on Friday, or Saturday, by sleeping in until 11. But last night, I laid down on the couch around nine, fell asleep somewhere around the second South Park episode and woke up about quarter to ten. Instead of trying to keep myself up for another half-hour or so, I get myself up and slowly make my way back to the bedroom. I fall back to sleep somewhere around ten. I wake up 8 hours later, on top of the covers, backwards. For some reason, when I’m really tired, I make no attempt to be normal. What did I do when I realized I was wide-awake 30 minutes before my alarm clock even went off? Why I went back to sleep of course! I could have gotten up, done my hair, gotten breakfast and actually walked into the office feeling nice and chipper, but of course I decided to roll over and go back to sleep, not actually getting up until eight, giving myself 20 minutes instead of 2 hours! Whatever Shelby. I annoy myself.

So you had a bad day

2010-07-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

My face itches. I didn’t wash my face this morning. I didn’t have time. I woke up at 8:20. Ten minutes before I had to leave. I scratch my face, starting at my left jaw and working my way up to the hairline. I try to stop, but I just can’t help it. I imagine my face turning red and getting puffy. I can just imagine what people will think of these red patches on my face.

And then I realize, they don’t care.

I turn away from the ladies and reach under my desk to the can resting on top my computer. I must look like I am Irish-ing up my coffee, with my hands, and cup under the desk. Though it is just Pepsi, I am equally ashamed. Although I’m sure I wouldn’t be in trouble if people knew I was sneaking soda. I just don’t want people to know I’m too much of a little girl to be drink coffee.

My biggest problem is self-help. My entire life I have been trying to learn everything, and being an impatient, precocious little ankle biter, I wasn’t willing to wait. So, I taught myself.
I feel sick; in my throat, not in my stomach, the kind of sickness that can only be caused by drinking Pepsi on an empty stomach. It’s a common illness, caused by many other types of soda pop, not just Pepsi. Though Root Beer tends to be easier on the tummy. Maybe that’s because there’s no caffeine in most beers of the root persuasion.
11:40, twenty minutes until 60 minutes before I can leave.
I hear footsteps but only two. It’s Aaron, one of the bosses’ sons. He’s tall and never needs to take the steps one at a time. I like Aaron; he’s quiet, kind of shy, but nice. He’s a nerd, a dork, one of my kind, and I like that. I just wish he would talk to me.

“Hey, Hey, Hey”

The opening lines to Hey Soul Sister make me want to cry, or hide under my desk in lonely shame. Either way, a song I use to LOVE and actually USE for a video project, has now become something of shadow monster for me. Ironically (or not) enough, the very reason I now cannot stand this lovely song, is because of a failed video project I had planned using this very tune. The plan was to get all my friends, and maybe even some strangers, to do a one take version of a vlog type music video. They could sing, dance, run in circles chasing their imaginary (or not) tails, and then my “friends” would send me the video footage and I would edit it all together with footage from my 20th birthday celebration. None of this, however, came to being, because, well, only one person actually followed through with the plan. I am very saddened by this. I’m not sure if it’s because now I realize I don’t have friends, or because I realized that the few friends that I do have could honestly give a crap about anything that would make me even the slightest bit happier then I am now.

Violet by Hole

2010-07-12T01:53:00.000-07:00

I spin in my chair opening and closing drawers pretending to look for something, or maybe I am looking for something, I don’t know. I turn back to my computer and start typing, aimlessly at first and then with more purpose and potency, but of course I get bored, stuck, or even concerned that someone will look over my shoulder, and I have to stop. I look back at the clock and realize that only 3 minutes have gone by. I Google depression again. The first thing that pops up is a link, an advertisement for some kind of medication. “‘Are You Depressed?’ Our depression research study is enrolling participants right now www.Ifeelblue.com.” The next thing I see is Google listing it as a disease with suggestions of possible medical websites. I think it’s a little ridiculous to call depression a disease. I don’t consider it a disease, or even an illness. Not that I think physiological problems aren’t real illnesses or anything, I just don’t think depression should be in the same category as Schizophrenia or Bi Polar Disorder. I mean think about it, how many diseases can you cure just by talking about it? Don’t you wish it were true though? Imagine what the world would be like if you could cure major diseases just by talking them out?

Major depression (depression) Google Health, Mayo Clinic, Medline Plus, WebMD

I click on Mayo Clinic, because I always do, because it’s easy. I read through the definition and the symptoms, seeing myself on the screen more and more as the list goes on. Reading this only makes me wish I had someone to talk to. Makes me miss Ingrid more and more. Makes me question once more how and why our relationship ended. It’s easy really; she ended it, citing my lack of commitment as the cause. Which I guess might have seemed true, but when your depressed committing, even to getting better, seems impossible. So in reality, even if I was having trouble helping myself, she still shouldn’t have given up on me. Isn’t that the point of treatment? To take the burden off your own shoulders and asking someone else to carry a bit of it for you? Or maybe I’m getting this all wrong and am once again overacting in order to keep myself in a state of depression. That’s the thing about us depressives, we don’t really want to get better.

Linda: “Do you wanna-”
Me: (inner monologue) No
Linda: “-help me with something?”
Me: Sure

Working here reminds me of the last few weeks of school. After all the tests were taken, all the books returned, when there’s nothing left to do but count the minutes until summer. The teachers, in a feeble attempt to keep the peace, give you what they would lovingly refer to as busy work. Better known with the younger generation as bullshit. That’s what it’s like working here. I have my job, and then I have the bullshit I pretend to do in order to look busy. Luckily enough, Linda isn’t the type of person to share duties. I look back up at the clock and it’s 12:40. I turn back to my computer screen.

Thinking about Ingrid makes me sad, even if it has been almost 2 years since she ended my treatment with her. Missing someone that I barely knew for such a short period of time makes me realize how pathetic I am. What a pathetic little duck am I? I attach myself to anyone who will even pretend to care. Every woman in any kind of authority figure possession, who shows me even the slightest bit of charm, is in danger of my puppy dog nature. All this brings us back, once again to my mother. The reason, I believe I am so obsessed with depression and in return Ingrid and on to my pathetic baby duck syndrome, would probably boil down to the fact that it is July the 12th. Which wouldn’t mean much to many people, besides my best friends mother who was born on this day, except for the fact that it is 3 days after my birthday. Which, once again probably wouldn’t matter much, if it wasn’t for one, teeny tiny little detail: my mother didn’t call, text, write, e-mail, or Facebook me. Which wouldn’t have bothered me so much if it weren’t for the fact that we’d been exchanging polite pleasantries and even become almost chatty with, over the past few months. So you can imagine my disappointment when I don’t hear from her on a day I’m sure no mother could forget. I guess when you have 7 kids it’s easier to forget this kind of thing. It’s 1 O 5. For some reason I had completely forgotten that 1 comes after 12. For some reason I didn’t believe the clock when it said it was time to go. Usually I am sitting at my desk tapping my feet just waiting for the clock to strike one. Today, for some reason, I am completely distracted.

I’m not trying to be ungrateful here, but

2010-06-17T22:42:00.001-07:00

I want a new job, or at least another one. I honestly have no problem working two jobs; I only work 4 hours a day as it is. I wouldn’t be so bothered by this, if I could in fact support myself. As it is, I cannot. I feel really selfish and spoiled complaining about my JOB when there are about 6.8 million Americans out of a job. I am just sick and tiered of working in a dead end position that is teaching me absolutely nothing. The women who I work with are all really nice ladies, but, even considering that they are all 30, 40 something years old, they’re actually kind of immature. There is always some drama going on around me, they don’t like each other and they talk behind each other’s backs. It is so annoying and catty. Look I am only 19 years old, and I can take a lot of things from annoying little high school girls, but I have a really hard time dealing with all this coming from people who have teenagers of their own. Also, I am very, very disappointed in the lack of respect I seem to get around here. I’m not saying that anyone opening treats me like crap, and I don’t mind light teasing, I mean I grew up in a house full of boys in a family whose fist language is sarcasm, a little teasing is all in good fun. What I am talking about is different. I am sick of people taking over my desk and using my computer and acting like it’s no big deal. I’m so sick of people asking me to do something for them and then telling me how to do it, especially when there is really know one right way to be doing it. As a matter of fact, I think I could deal with all of that just fine if I wasn’t so depressed. I am physically tired when I am sitting at my desk. I have to get up and walk around every 10-15 minutes just to stay alert. When it’s time to leave I practically run down the stairs to my car, like I have some fabulous party awaiting me when I get home. I can’t stand it here, but I have nowhere to go. If I quit my father will kick me out, or worse stop caring all together and just ignore me for the next few years. I can’t move out because I don’t make enough money to support myself. I need to be interacting with people my own age, or at least in the same generation. I am the youngest person here by at least ten years. I need to find a job in retail or food, somewhere, there are actual customers and I can talk to people face to face. I just want to meet new people and actually learn something and possibly even have at least the possibility of a promotion. I am lonely and broke, frustrated and most of all BORED. I can’t stand to keep coming to the same place, the same time EVERYDAY and doing the same thing day after day after day. I need variety! I need something new and different. July 27th will mark one year that I have been with this company, and I feel that it is time to move on.

It’s just not working out for me anymore, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry, but I think that it would be better for both of us if we just went our separate ways.

Shelby’s Soul Sister Project.

2010-06-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

As some of you might know I am turning 20 on July 9th.
And as some of you might also know, I like to make videos.
(putting 2 and 2 together yet?)
I’m sure you have all heard the song Hey Soul Sister by Train?
Well I was thinking of making that my birthday song.
I was also thinking of getting other people involved in my birthday video.
So here it is:

Make of video, of you singing, playing, lip singing Hey Soul Sister, along with a short note, greeting to me in honor of my birthday. Upload it to YouTube and then send it to me, or send me the file in MPEG format. If you do not have a YouTube account, then I would be happy to lend you a password. I guess more appropriately this project should be called, A Smile For Shelby Project. . . Hey Soul Shelby, Shelby's Soul Sister?

The rules are simple:
-Hey Soul Sister, must be the song
-Can be as long or as short as you want it to be (not all of it will be used)
-Keep it PG, please
-HAVE FUN!

After all the hullabaloo of my birthday is over, I will go through the footage and edit it all together into a very special birthday video :) For any further information just ask! (call/text/message/tweet/skywrite)

The Reason I Don't Write Songs

2010-05-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Becaus all that ever comes out are these weird little poems, like the ones I use to write in 7th grade. . .
I Can Feel
I can feel the sun
as it shines down on me
I can feel the wind
as it blows in from the sea
I can feel the pain
as I trip and fall
How can I feel everything with such clarity,
and still feel nothing at all?

I Don't Know
You ask me why I made my last mistake
And I tell you I don’t know
You ask me why I am still awake
And I say I don’t know
You ask me why I never answer you
I don’t tell you because I can’t answer
What I don’t know

Golden Eyes
I dream of a princess with golden eyes
I can’t come back, I can’t wake up
I have to save her before she dies
I know you don’t believe me
I know you think I am crazy
But I know it’s real, I can feel it with my heart
I can see it with my soul
She is my princess, lost in the dark

Is this a Dream?

2010-05-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

I had the strangest dream. I was in someone else body. Not as if I were trying to see life through someone else eyes. I was completely aware that I was not actually her. I was also aware that something bad was going to happen to her. I think that’s why I was there, to find out what happened to her. She was married; her husband was foreign and older, he was very sweet, but not very affectionate. I can’t remember his name, but he makes me think of Antonio Banderas in The Original Sin. There was a housekeeper, who was my friend, and I think she knew that I wasn’t her employer. I want to call her Joanne for some reason. She was very helpful, although awfully nervous. The husband noticed I was acting strange, and while I was clearing our breakfast, he had me sit next to him, in a rare occasion of intimacy. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I just wasn’t feeling well. Instead of taking my word he planned a trip. Surprising me with a spontaneous romantic getaway. I would have been more excited if one, I were actually his wife and two, if I wasn’t so sure that this trip was the thing I was brought here to avoid. Even Joanne could see the fear in my eyes as she hugged me good by. Husband, however, couldn’t contain his excitement. He was so certain that whatever had been keeping me down, this trip would fix. I couldn’t help but love him for his hopefulness. I tried to smile, but I couldn’t ignore the acing feeling in my stomach and the sharp pains in my chest. I opened my eyes and I was back in my bed, back in my room, in my own body. I had woken up late, and had only minutes to get ready for the day, I still laid back down completely taken aback by my dream, even more so because I have yet to forget it. I have never had a dream feel this real to me before. It doesn’t even seem like a dream, it feels like a memory.

Dream Girl

2010-05-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes as I walk down the sidewalk of this glorified shopping mall. Pretending i am in a beautiful foreign city. Pretending there are beautiful ancient houses and vineyards hiding behind the trendy shops. I pretend I am someone else. Someone whimsical and beautiful. Someone with flowing hair that shines in the sunlight, and hopeful eyes. Someone with a pretty little body and glowy skin. A girl who's pure of heart. Someone who believes in true love and happy endings. Someone so very different from me. I pretend that I live in a world of beauty and passion. A world that I have created for myself, a world that only exists in the stories I write. A person who only exists in my dreams. A world where even the most dreadful of things can seem beautiful, because she knows that it is all just another dark path she must travel to get to the place she is meant to be. Not me, she is not me, because I am the same dark, lonely, pathetic person I have been for years. The same person that emerged after graduation without a purpose. I am growing to resent my life and everyone in it. I dislike my life and the people in this world that I have created for myself. I have grown to dislike myself, and even hate myself. Maybe one day I'll become the woman I dream I am, or at least a woman of both worlds.

The Glass Room

2010-03-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

an original story by:
Shelby J

I’m sitting in the same place, at the same table, in the Garden Room of the Blue Belle hotel that I have been sitting at for what feels like days. Silent, speechless, tired and worn, I feel like we have done this fifty times before, I feel like an aged seventy-four, instead of 24. I’m staring out the glass walls at the rain. It’s raining, how appropriate, and to think I was excited about the thought of it raining on my wedding day. I’d always dreamed of dancing in the rain in my wedding dress. David likes to joke that one-day, long after our wedding I’m going to put on the dress, go outside and dance, just because it was the perfect rainy day. I take another drag from my cigarette and run my tongue across my teeth. I’m smoking again. I can’t believe I’m smoking again. I can’t believe he’s got me smoking again. I look over at the sandy haired boy sitting across from me; he’s resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. He’s not a boy, he’s a man, but he looks the same as he did when I’d met him seven years ago, and more importantly he’s acting like child. All this makes me see him now, as a boy and not as the man he claims to be. I sit there waiting for him to say something, anything. Anything to get me out of this room, and back upstairs. Back to the world and to the life to which I’ve grown accustom. Back to the future, or at least the present. Not here stuck in the past, feeling haggard and old. He leans back in his chair, takes a deep breath and sighs. He’s about to speak, I lick my lips and bite down on my bottom lip, anticipating what is sure to be a heartbreaking sound. He leans forward, toward me and finally speaks, “what are we going to do now?” I was wrong; the sound of his voice wasn’t heartbreaking at all. It was bitter and just made me angry. I took a short drag and turned to blow the smoke at him.
“What do you mean, what are we going to do?” I didn’t know my voice could sound so cold. It didn’t surprise him as much as it had me. He didn’t flinch. He just took a short breath and looked up at me with those deceivingly beautiful shape shifting eyes, and spoke with a softness that took me off guard.
“I mean we’re here, together, you and me, so what are we going to do” I see a way out. I take another drag from my cigarette, and lean forward, blowing the smoke right in his face. Now I have no problem being cruel.
“We’re not going to do anything, you are going to go home to that beautiful wife of yours, and I am going to go back up stairs to my fiancé” I smash my cigarette out and get up, trying to walk out before I lose the nerve. He stops me, of course he does. He grabs my arm. For a moment my heart skips a beat and I forget how to breathe. How does he have this much power over me?

It’s All Coming Back To Me Now
Six miles away from the public beach, in the small fishing community of Seaton, a younger Alex is hiding in the alley waiting for Noah to pass by. She’s walking down the little street of shops and dinning, when suddenly a hand reaches out and grabs her by the wrist. Noah is scared, but only for a second. Alex pulls her in and kisses her.

Roses
I shake my head, remembering myself. That was a long time ago. I pull my arm away and take another step away from him, but something stops me, his voice, “that’s not good enough,” and the sincerity of his tone.
“Maybe not, but it’s what’s going to happen.” I take less then three steps before he tries to stop me again.
“It doesn’t have to be.” I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy, and to think, his relentless, stubbornness was once one of the things I loved about him.
“Listen,” I’m angry, that’s good, anger is good right now. “You and I both know how this is going to end.” I turn to look at him; I want to make sure he’s really listening. “No matter what we do right now, no matter which path we choose tonight. They both end the same place, here,” my voice is getting louder now, “having the same conversations we have every time you get a little, nostalgic for summers past.” I don’t walk away this time, I don’t even try, he’s getting angry, I can feel it. He stands up.
“It’s not like that,” such control, I never could understand how men could control their emotions like that, “and you know it,” but there’s anger there I can see it. I feel like one of those stereotypical ‘mean girls’ as I move my move my hands to my hips and smirk. I turn to face him, and stop; I hadn’t realized he was so close. I forgot what I was going to say. Before I can let it show I say the first thing that comes to my mind.
“Yeah right,” cleaver, I took what is normally a snarky remark and somehow turned it into a stutter. I sounded like a bad actress trying to play a noticeable lie. His eyes soften at this, and the corners of his mouth go up slightly. My eyes narrow, I feel like slapping him. “That’s right, I forgot. There’s also the part where you stalk me! Show up at my house at the middle of the night, all depressed and lonely or drunk! And beg me to run away with you!” This isn’t anger, it’s something else, I know that by the tears starting to form behind my eyes. I turn away, I hate for him to know the effect he has on me, though how could he not? I walk away from him with my face in my hands trying to stop the emotion from pouring out. He follows me, puts his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. Trying to be a night in shinning armor, it’s too late for that. I jerk my shoulder back so hard it almost hurts, “don’t touch me.” He steps back, out of respect I assume; I mean it’s not fear, I know he’s not afraid of me. I take a deep breath and push my hair out of my face; I lick my teeth, I need a cigarette. “You can’t do this you know, you can’t just keep coming in and out of my life like this. It’s not fair. I have a life here, I’m a different person now.” I turn around and look at him, his hands are in his pocket, and he’s looking down, he looks like a teenager. He keeps his head down as he speaks.
“You look the same to me.” He’s not listening. He hears me, but he’s not listening. I push past him and walk back over to the table. I grab my cigarettes and start looking for the lighter. I hear him walk over to me, and for a moment my heart starts to race, it scares me, so I take a step back. He pulls out a lighter, a silver Zippo with a rose design. He motions to light my cigarette; I take the lighter out of his hand and light the cigarette myself. I feel like the female James Dean, a Joan Jett type of bad girl as flip it closed. He’s not paying attention to me. He’s studying the rain. I take a drag and look down at the lighter. The rose on the side is not a sweet and delicate little flower, but a hard and beautiful piece of rock art. It’s the dangerous kind of red, with shadows painted in and jagged thorns sticking out. Dangerous and beautiful, just like he said I was.

Let Me Clear My Throat
A 17-year-old boy with Sandy blonde hair is walking down Amora Street, with his hands in his pocket. It’s warm, but there’s a cool breeze that makes the day seem cozy. He’s headed toward the beach, but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. He walks to the corner of the street and stops at a little blue house with white shutters. There’s a girl sitting on the porch. She’s sitting on the banister looking up toward the sky through big dark sunglasses, her leg dangling, moving with the wind. Her long dark hair and golden skin, inconsistent to the plain black dress she was wearing. There was nothing plain about this girl, she’s special. Not just because she was beautiful, there was something different about this girl, something that was impossible to ignore, the very same something that was drawing Alex toward her. He stood on the sidewalk in front of her house, starring at her, for a moment, trying to think of what to say. He didn’t want to just say hello, he knew that wouldn’t impress a girl like this, so instead he said the first thing that he could think of, “are you going to a funeral?” The girl doesn’t move. Alex looks down at his feet, just thinking she didn’t hear him, he clears his throat.
“Oh I heard you.” Alex looks up, she still hasn’t moved. A little confused, and somewhat taken aback,“what?” She turns her head to the side, pulls down her sunglasses too look at him over the frame of her sunglasses, and sees that he is serious, she smirks and turns back.
“I said I heard you.” Still a little confused, and more then a little bit intrigued, Alex decides to pursue a conversation.
“You didn’t answer.” She sighs, having fun with this interesting stranger.
“No, I didn’t,” although, at this point, Alex was pretty sure she was just trying to get rid of him, he decided to give her one more push.
“Why not?” She turns her head back to the house and smiles, he’s persistent, and she likes that. She sits up and leans against the porch, keeping her foot dangling.
“Because,” she pulls off her sunglasses and squints up at the light, “I thought it was a stupid question.” Alex tilts his head up at the light, shakes his head; she’s not going to make this easy is she?
He looks back at her, “why? Why is that such a stupid question?”
“I’ll show you.” She jumps off the porch and walks toward him, looking him straight in the eye, “ask me again.” This catches Alex off guard, which is unusual for him. He doesn’t know a lot of people, let alone any girl that can catch him off guard. In fact he doesn’t know a lot of girls that make him work this hard.
“What?” She takes a step forward and looks up at him with her emerald green eyes.
“Ask me again,” Alex is speechless for a moment, the distance hadn’t done her justice, up close she was distractingly beautiful. It takes him a moment to collect himself.
“Are you going to a funeral?” Without missing a beat, without even flinching, she answers.
“Yes,” Alex freezes, looks up at her, she’s starring him right in the eye, stern and serious. Alex can’t move, he can’t speak, he tries to make words, but nothing really comes out. She looks away and smiles, and then turns back to him and tilts her head. “You are seriously upset aren’t you”
“Well I. . .I,” he looks at her, she raises her eyebrows, the corners of her mouth are turned up, she’s joking. “Wait. . .you’re joking?”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head yes, “yeah.” Alex takes a deep breathe, finally breathing. She reaches into her pocket and Alex does too. Alex pulls out a pack of cigarettes as she pulls out a pack of gum. She looks at him questioningly, “I’ve got you smoking?” He looks up at her, “wow you must really be a good guy.”
“What does that mean?” She puts a stick of gum in her mouth.
“I mean look at you, you’re shaking, it really upset you that you thought someone had dyed, and you’d been a complete ass”
“It’s not everyday you get to make someone’s horrible day even more awful,” he pulls out a silver Zippo with a rose design on the side. It catches the light, and her eye.
“Whoa,” she grabs his hand, it takes him by surprise, her hands are cold. The gesture takes her by surprise as well; she’s not usually this comfortable with complete strangers. He lets the lighter slip from his fingers into hers, “I like this.”
Alex looks at her and smiles, he likes her, “I’m Alex”
“I’m,” she stops bits her lip and looks away, “Louise.” Alex looks at her and tilts his head, she shrugs her shoulders, “it’s never really suited me”
“No it doesn’t”
“Louise Noah Baker, what kind of name is that?”
“Noah?”
“Yeah, it was my fathers name, it’s a southern tradition, my parents grew up in Louisiana”
“It’s southern tradition to give your children horrible names that don’t fit them?” She laughed, covering her smile with her hand.
“No, a family name, to name your kids after yourself, so almost all the men in my family are named Noah, but since I turned out to be a girl, I got Louise instead.”
“Noah huh?”
“Yeah”
“I like that”
“Yeah me too.” Some calls from inside the house, “oh, I better go”
Alex nods, “ok.” She turns and starts to walk back toward the house, Alex watches her for a moment and then turns to walk away. She calls after him.
“Oh wait, you forgot your lighter.” He smirks, and turns back.
“No, I know,” he smiles, “see you later Noah” Alex walks backward for a minute, watching her as she fights a smile.
“See you later Alex,” he turns and walks down the street as Noah studies the lighter.

I Like That
I’m still standing there starring at the lighter. It’s the same, only different, Harsher, aged, scratched and worn, but still beautiful, even more so in some ways. Seeing this now, remembering the first time I’d seen it, it softens me. “I can’t believe you still have this,” my voice shakes.
“What was I suppose to do, throw it away?” His voice was harsh, he’s mad, it pisses me off, if anyone has the right to be angry right now it’s me. He turns back at my silence and as soon as I know he sees me I throw the lighter at him.
“I guess I just thought you would have stopped carrying it around.” He puts his hands back into his pockets and he sifts his weight from foot to foot.
“I guess I just never could bring myself to put it away.” I don’t like that; I don’t like the fact that he’s carried this around all this time. I don’t like him looking at the lighter and seeing me. I don’t like thinking about him leaving the house every morning, kissing his wife goodbye, with me in his pocket. I don’t like this, because I like this. It makes me happy to know I’ve been on his mind, that he’s thought about me and he misses me. That he carries me around with him everywhere he goes. It makes me happy, which, in turn makes me angry.
I can’t stand it anymore, I have to say something, “Why do you do this to me? Why do you keep coming back here?”

Head Over Feet
The only light anywhere near Noah’s house is the light coming from the tiny light fixture above the door. She is sitting swinging on the porch swing, flicking the lighter. Her hair is down and her thick dark bangs are brushed to the side and pinned with a little black heart. Her shoes are black, but her dress is gray, and her face was glowing with the promise of the evening. “Excuse me miss, are you going to a funeral?” Noah jumps up and walks into the light.
“No, as a matter of fact, I am not”

Vertigo
I stand there starring at him, waiting, needing an answer. He looks up at me with glossy puppy dog eyes, his eyes are green, they’re always green when he’s with me.
“I love you.” I can’t believe he did it, I can’t believe he said that. The words have been lingering in the air since he got here, but I still can’t believe he said that. It tears me apart, no I have to stand my ground, I have to stay mad.
“No”
“Yes”
“No”
“Noah!”
“NO!” Noah, he called me Noah. I’ve gotten myself so worked up that I am panting like I’d just run a marathon. He’s calm, his breath steady, but not even. I can feel his breath on my head. I hadn’t realized how close we had gotten. My head is down, but I don’t dare look up. In one swift motion I turn away from him and walk back to window. The fire between us is unbelievable. My head is spinning and my heart is at my knees. I am incredibly aware of everything around me, and yet my vision is so blurry I can’t see anything. I’m dizzy, I feel like I could collapse at any moment, so I sit down. I push my hair out of my face and reach for my cigarettes. I hadn’t realized how much I was shaking. I put the cigarette to my mouth and try to light it, but I’m shaking so much I can’t even make the lighter spark. I take the cigarette out of my mouth and as calm as I possible can, I put my hands on the armrest of the chair. I take a deep breath, “this isn’t love, it’s addiction,” I turn to face him, but he’s looking away, “you’re addicted to me.”
He takes a moment, and then he turns around, “if you mean that I want you and I need you then yes, I am addicted to you.” He’s twisting my words, he doesn’t understand. Make him understand, make him hear you.
“Just because you want something to the point that it feels like a need, doesn’t mean you actually need it”

Smile
Noah and Alex are on the pier, it’s late, and the place is deserted, with nothing but the sound of the crashing waves to break the silence. Noah outs her feet on the railing and leans out into the wind, she closers her eyes as the wind pushes her dark hair behind her shoulders. Alex has his back to the ocean, leaning against the railing, watching her. “You better be careful.” Noah starts to smile but then softly bits her lip. Alex is still watching her, studying her carefully. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Whenever you start to smile, you stop yourself.”
“Oh,” she steps off with one foot, and grabs hold of the top railing with both hands, “you noticed that huh”
“Yeah, what’s up with that?”
“Um, I don’t know, it’s just a habit I guess,” she walks over to a bench and sits down, Alex follows. “My parents call me ‘the incredibly unhappy child’ because I would almost never smile, even when I did it wasn’t, I don’t know, big happy little kid smile. That’s actually the reason I started wearing black all the time. I thought, well if they want me to be the incredibly unhappy child, then that’s what I’ll be.”
“You shouldn’t you know”
“What wear black all the time”
“No, hide your smile, you have a beautiful smile”
She bites her lips again, “and how would you know?”
“I can tell, you have a face for a smile.” Noah starts to smile, then looks down and laughs a little. She turns her head away from Alex for a moment and then looks back at him, with a shy little smile on her face. “Oh come on, you can do better then that.” Noah smiles, this time not holding back, Alex puts his hand under her chin, “look at that, you are beautiful.” Alex leans in and kisses Noah.

I’m Still In Love With You
We are exactly where we started; I am sitting in the same chair, with the same feeling I had in the first hour as I do the third. Alex is sitting across from me, angled toward me. He’s sitting there leaning back in his chair, franticly tapping his foot, like he’s waiting for something to happen. I sit there waiting for him to say something. I’m not sure if I’m waiting out of respect or just out of habit. I’m use to waiting for Alex. I’m always waiting for Alex. He takes a deep breath and for a second I think he’s finally going to say something. Either that or he’s about to walk away, and quite frankly, at this point I’d be happy either way. Because either path gets me out of this chair and out of this room. I start playing with my pack of cigarettes. Twirling it in my hand and tapping it on the arm of the chair, playing with the idea of lighting another cigarette. I run my tongue across my teeth and then lightly bite my lip. I am so memorized by the rain falling through the trees outside, that I don’t even notice him watching me, so when he finally decides to speak it frightens me. “We’re good together”
“What?”
He moves closer, “*we're good together”
I shake my head, he honestly doesn’t understand does he? “But are we good for each other?”
“What?”
“Maybe we were good when we were together, but we are not good *for* each other, not in the long run”
“What does that mean”
“Are you honestly going to make me say it?”
He’s getting mad now, I can tell by the way he’s started pacing the floor. He stops and turns toward me. “You know, that was always your problem, you always saw the dark side of things. You never could look on the brighter side of life.”
Christ I need a cigarette, “wise up Alex,” I light another cigarette, “we live in the darkness.” I take a drag and throw the lighter back on the table. He turns around and makes his way back to me, walking toward me fast and strong, like a man about to start a fight.
“Not when we’re together,” his voice is calm, of course it is, “there’s no darkness when we’re together.” He’s leaning closer to me know and I have to consciously stop myself from giving in to him. I stay mad and I keep myself mad, because as long as I’m mad I’m in control.
“Exactly Alex, it’s irresponsible.” He walks away from me and presses his head against the glass. “When we’re together all we see is each other, no one else matters, nothing else matters.”
He walks back toward me and speaks with a sharpness to his voice, “some people would call that romantic.”
I shake my head, “yes well,” I take another drag from my cigarette, “some people, are morons.”
“You know what,” he pushes on the wall and it opens, I hadn’t realized he was standing in front of the door. “Sometimes your pessimism blinds you.” He walks outside, into the rain, I chase after him.
“Blind to what?” It’s cold, I’m already shivering, “blind to childhood fantasies? Blind to responsibility?” His body is turned away from me, but I can still see his face, his breath, his body language is strong, but his breath is shaking. “We’re not children anymore Alex. We can’t just take off into the night and leave the world behind.”
He looks up at me, his hair plastered to his forehead, his voice shaking, “why not?”

Night in My Veins
Noah is standing in front of a mirror; she’s wearing a purple dress, with a black sash around the middle. A younger girl with dark hair and dark eyes walks into the room and leans against the doorframe, “where are you doing?”
Noah jumps, “no where. What are you doing in here?”
“Mom and dad just left”
“Oh okay, good, where’s Laney?”
“Down stairs watching Barney, why?”
Noah grabs a sweater and her purse
“Come on,” Noah pushes on Mary’s back and they both walk down to the living room. She puts her things down by the door and moves Mary over to the couch next to Laney and then turns off the television.
“Hey!”
“I just need to talk to you two”
“I was watching that!”
“Laney, it’s a tape, I think it can wait.” The little girl folds her arms across her chest and sinks back into the sofa.
Mary leans forward, “so Louise, what is it that you want?”
“Don’t call me that, and I’ll tell you. As you know mom and dad are gone for the evening.”
Mary interrupts, impatient and too smart to be ployed by her older sister, “what’s your point the Weazie?”
Noah glares at Mary for a moment, “the point my dear sister is this: I am going out, and as you’ve just proven you are more then capable of taking care of yourself.”
“What about Laney? ”
Little Laney leans up mimicking her sister, “yeah what about me!”
“Like I said, Mary is more then capable of taking care of herself, and capable enough to take care of you”
Noah walks back to the door and starts putting on her sweater, the girls rush over and stand between Noah and the door.
“Wait so you’re just going to leave us here?”
“You’re leaving! Oh no s’eazie you can’t go!” Laney grabs Noah’s leg and holds on for dear life.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Noah pulls the little girl off her leg and bends down to her level. “Everything is going to be all right, you two are going to sit her watch some TV while I go out for a little while, it’s no big deal.” She looks at both of them, seriously contemplating not going. “Listen lock the doors, don’t open them for anyone, don’t answer the phone and stay out of trouble.” She kisses Elaine on the forehead and pinches Mary’s cheek. “I love you, both.” Noah gets up and opens the door, “take care of each other.” She shuts the door and waits for a moment. The two girls stand in the entryway staring at the door; Mary walks over and locks the door. Noah hears the door like and walks down the pathway, Alex is waiting for her at the white picket fence. She smiles as she sees him.
“Hello beautiful”
“Why hello to you too sir.” They both hurry off into the night, moving as if they were running away from something. The couple makes their way to the beach. They’ve slowed down now; they’re walking hand in hand slowly soaking in the night. Noah stops and turns toward Alex, he touches her face and kisses her. She wraps her arms around his neck as picks her up by her waist. He takes one step and falls. They both come tumbling down, laughing. Noah shakes her head and blows sand out of her mouth, “gross.” Alex turns over and puts his arms on either side of her, leaning over her.
“Hey”
“Hey”
Alex looks up at the lifeguard tower, Noah follows his gaze, they both look back at each other. Noah smiles and nods her head, biting her lip. Alex stands up and offers his hand to Noah, “come on.” He helps her up and they walk over to the lifeguard tower. Alex climbs the ladder and Noah follows, they get to the door and it has a padlock on the door. Alex looks back at Noah, she shrugs her shoulders. “I can get it open”
“I’m not going to like this am I?”
“Probably not, no”
“Well then I am just going to go and stand over there for a few minutes.” Noah walks to the other side of the tower and leans over the railing. The wind is blowing; it feels just like the night that Alex first kissed her. She feels as if the world is trying to tell her something. She thinks, this is a good sign.
“You really love the wind don’t you?”
Noah turns around to see Alex watching her, “no, not really.” She smiles and he lifts up the padlock, “how did you do that?”
“S’easy.” She starts to smile and then bites her lip, she shakes her head and lets herself be happy. Alex walks over and wraps his arms around her, he lifts her off the railing as she wraps her legs around him. He carries her into the lifeguard tower and shuts the door.
************************************************************************************
Elaine and Mary are at a loss for what to do with themselves. They started watching a movie, but quickly go bored of that. They both sat there starring at the screen, completely uninterested at what was going on. Mary gets up, too impatient to sit around watching a boring movie just to stay out of trouble. She walks over to the movie cabinet and She finds the cover of one particular tape very intriguing, a wide-eyed girl with a hand over her mouth. “Let’s watch this,” she walks over and puts the tape into the VCR. She pushes rewind and then walks over to the couch and sits next to Elaine.
“What is it called?”
“Um,” Mary picks up the cover and reads: “Scream.” Elaine looks worried as Mary pushes play on the remote control. She stopped the move too soon, right in the middle of a death scene. They were blood-curdling screams, “oops, too soon,” Elaine buries her head into Mary’s shoulder. Mary laughs, “don’t worry Laney, it’s not real.” She looks back up at the screen, “Oh wait I think this is it.” Mary settles in and leans forward, completely invested into the movie. Elaine slowly comes out from behind her sister. “You see, it’s not that bad.” Soon things start to change and both girls are holding on to each other. The movie gets quiet for a moment and *CRASH* both girls scream.
“Oh no Mary, he’s coming to get us!” Mary takes a deep breath and swallows.
“No, no it’s okay, Laney.” She pats Elaine on the arm and slowly starts to get up, not letting go of her sister’s arm. “Come on let’s go check it out.”
“No Mary, I don’t want to!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”
Elaine follows holding on to her sister’s back as if Mary were her mother. The girls are getting closer to the noise. Mary looks out the glass door, can’t see anything in the darkness. Something rustles the leaves and both girls jump. Elaine jumps back and Mary jumps for the light. She switches on the light and the yard aluminates to show, an orange tabby cat. Before Mary can even take a breath Elaine is up and running for the door, “Lucy!”
“Wait Laney,” but before Mary can even finish her sentence Elaine is outside chasing after the cat. Mary takes off after her, “Laney!”
*************************************************************************************
Noah comes out of the lifeguard tower fixing the black sash around her dress. Alex kisses her on the neck and then turns her around, “you sure you don’t want to stay?”
“Of course I *want* to stay,” Alex kisses her again, “but I can’t.”
“mhm,” Alex nods his head and kisses Noah again this time pulling her closer and holding her longer.
Noah pulls away, “I have to go.” Alex leans forward again; Noah takes a step back and puts her hand out in front of her, “ubaba, noooo. I *really* have to go.” She takes a step forward to say good by but stops, “seriously, behave yourself mister.” She leans in and kisses him on the mouth slowly, then she puts her hands on his face and kisses him faster. She pulls away, “okay, I’m really gone this time,” she kisses him quickly, “bye.” She smiles at him and hurries away down the tower and across the sand. Alex watches as she leaves, he leans back against the tower and sighs, placing his hand on his chest. He smiles, running his hand through his hair, and laughs as he turns back into the tower.

My Immortal
“Don’t make me say it.” How can he not understand? He turns around and walks straight toward me.
“What does that have to do with us?”
“What do you mean what does that have to do with us?” I don’t wait for an answer, it wasn’t really a question, “that has everything to do with us.” I take a moment to catch my breathe, I’d been yelling, I don’t know why, but the rain seemed so loud. “It’s our,” he stops me; he knows what I was going to say.
“Don’t, don’t do that to yourself Noah”
“How can I not?” I try to push myself away from him, but I just end up falling to the ground. I hold my face in my hands, I can’t tell if I’m crying or it’s just the rain. He kneels down besides me and pulls me in by my shoulders. I lay my head in his lap and scream.

Black Hole Sun
Mary runs out of the light and into the darkness of the cool summer night. Elaine is missing, she can’t hear her or see her. Then Mary’s heart stops, there’s a splash, Elaine had fallen into the pool. “Laney!” There are sounds of splashing and Elaine gasping for air and yelling for help. Mary is running as fast and as hard as she can to get to her sister, but it’s dark and she trips over something hard, a rock. Mary gets on her hands and knees crawling frantically looking for the edge of the pool. She doesn’t remember the yard being this big before. The ground feels wet underneath her hands, and she knows she’s close, then she feels the tiles and the water. Elaine is scared moving her arms and legs frantically as she screams, but with every breath water flows in throat and cokes her, and with every kick she gets weaker. Mary reaches out barely being able to make out her sister in the darkness and fury of her sister’s struggle. “Laney! Grab my hand”
“I can’t”
“Laney!” Mary yells as she reaches out for Elaine, but she can’t find her, she can’t even hear her anymore. “Laney!” Mary leans in further, her grip slips and falls into the pool. The water is warm, the world seems to stop and everything gets quiet for a moment. Mary pushed herself up to the surface and takes a deep breath, she looks around for Laney, but she’s gone. Mary dives down to find her. She’s unconscious, dead weight, Mary tries to pull her up, but she’s just not strong enough. Her chest is starting to hurt, she needs to breathe, she opens her mouth and water comes rushing in. Mary pushes herself to the surface and reaches for the edge. She climbs out of the pool and tries to breathe, choking and coughing up water. She lifts herself up on her hands trying to get back up, but she falls over and passes out.

This Love
My head is still in Alex’s lap and his hand is on my back. I’ve calmed down and am now trying to collect myself. I feel like a child. I turn my body to lay on my side. Alex moves his hand to my shoulder. My hair is wet and stuck to the side of my face, as if he can read my mind, Alex brushes my hair out of my face. I lie there, and give him what he wants; I let him take care of me. I let him show me how much he loves me. Then I remember myself, and sit up. I brush myself off and do my best to settle my hair. The rain has settled now, but the air is still wet and muggy. I hug my shoulders, it’s freezing. “We can’t do this”
Alex gets up, “do what?”
He knows what I mean, he’s trying to be cute, “don’t do that, Alex you know what I mean”
“Really? Because I don’t think that I do. I can honestly say that I don’t see the problem here?”
“You don’t see the problem? Alex you’re married! I’m engaged!”
“Then let’s get out of here. Let’s just take off and leave all this behind”
“Stop it Alex”
“Why not, you want to I know you do”
“No, I don’t”
“Yes you do, I know you Noah, I know you better then anyone. I know these walls that you build up to keep people out, I’ve gotten around them before, and I will do it again.”
I have my face in my hand as I wrap the other around my stomach, I feel like I’m going to be sick. “I don’t know how many times I am going to have to say this but, I don’t want to go anywhere with you, not now, not ever,” I lean in and look him straight in the eye, speaking slowly and clearly, making sure he hears each word. “Do you understand?”
“No, your right, I don’t understand.” Of course he doesn’t.
“How do I get this into your head Alex? I can’t do this, we can’t do this, this is not what responsible adults do!” With every word we’re getting closer.
He looks away from me, “how do you figure?”
I’m yelling now, I need him to hear me, “it’s not how the world works, you can’t just take out into the night and do whatever you want.” I turn around and look him in the eyes, something I see there softens me. I stop and take a deep breath, my voice is softer now, quieter, “with who ever you want.”

Verse Chorus Verse
Noah takes her time getting home, soaking in this beautiful night. She comes up over the hill and stops; she stops breathing as her heart sinks to the floor. There are police cars, fire trucks and an ambulance outside her house. She starts running toward the house, she sees her sister Mary sitting on the porch with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and yet she is still shaking. “Mary!” She doesn’t answer, she doesn’t even move. “Mary! Are you all right? What happened!?” Noah puts her arms on Mary’s shoulders trying to get her to respond, “Mary.” Suddenly Noah realizes something, “Mary, where’s Laney?” Mary looks up at that, Noah speaks again, slower and louder this time, “Mary where is. . .” Noah is interrupted by Mary’s gaze as she stares away from her. Noah looks at Mary bewildered and out of breath. She follows Mary’s gaze and sees a black bag on a gurney being loaded into a van. It takes a second for Noah to realize she’s not breathing; she tries to push air out or inhale it back in but nothings happening. She starts to panic as she stands up, shaking and fumbling. Noah’s dizzy, everything is quiet and out of focus. She feels like she might fall over, she leans against the house for support. Her stomach cramps up and her throat starts to burn, she throws up into her mothers rose bushes and then falls to her side. The noise starts again as someone comes over to talk to them, Mary still hasn’t moved and Noah is now lying on the ground starring up at the sky.

Are You Happy Now?
He’s close, so close we almost touch. I turned around and there he was, just like he always was. I’m looking down and away, trying to find the right thing to say. Trying as I have been all night, “you are a hopeless romantic, and sometimes that blinds you,” I look up at him, his eyes are turning brown. I try to look at him sweetly, I try to show him compassion, but my words just sound like repetitive nonsense, “I think if you really think about it,” he turns away from me and starts back toward the glass room. I don’t move, I just let my voice follow; “if you really look back you'll see this for what it is. You'll see how bad we were for each other.”
He stops and pauses for a moment, but he doesn’t look at me. “I don't see anything wrong with us”
I’m starting to break, I want to cry, the sincerity and love behind those words are threatening to break my heart. I can’t stand this anymore. I can’t stand the way he makes me feel. I can’t stand how out of control I feel right now. I tried to be nice, I tired to make him understand, but I just can’t do this anymore. “You see, this is exactly why I can't be with you!” I walk right up to him and shove him into the doorframe. “You drive me crazy. I can't think when I'm with you! I can't keep my thoughts straight.” My voice is loud and cracking, the anger is making my voice horse. “I can't control myself, I do stupid immature things. I act without thinking. I don't do what I'm suppose to, I don't take care of myself. I mean just look at me! I'm a mess!” I look back at him as he looks away. I lean back against the door and let myself slide down. “Don't you understand Alex, I can't, I just can't.”

Closer
It’s a deceivingly beautiful Sunday morning. Alex stands outside the church, in a black shirt and dark jeans. He looks up at the top of the steeple and back down at the door. He takes a deep breath and pushes open the door. The ceremony had already begun, the church was silent, the quiet squeak of the door sounded like the chime from a bell tower. Alex looks up and swallows, but no one turns around. He waits, looks around, not sure what to do. A beautiful young girl stands up and makes her way toward him. Her hair is bleached blonde and chopped into a crude bob. She walks up to him and slows down for a moment to make eye contact with him. She walks past him, without stopping, without speaking. Alex followers her down the hallway, down some stairs and through the church offices before he tries to say something, “wait.” She keeps walking. “Noah, hold on,” he grabs her arm and turns her around, she doesn’t look at him and keeps her body turned away from him. “Are you all right? How are you doing?” She turns away from him and tries to walk away. “Noah, talk to me.”
“Not here,” she pulls away from him and walks further down the hall. Noah walks into a room and Alex follows. The room has two sets of bunk beds and a big dresser under a window. It’s one of the spear rooms the church has in case someone ever needs a place to stay. She closes and locks the door behind her. Alex turns around to look at her, and Noah grabs him and kisses him.
He pulls away, “whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing”
She takes off her sweater, “what does it look like I’m doing?” She pulls his head back in and kisses him again.
“Here, now? Noah.” She kisses him again and leads him over to the bed. Alex sits down on the bed and stops her, putting his hands on her face. “Hey, talk to me”
“I don’t want to talk,” she starts unbuttoning his shirt. He tries to stop him again, but she grabs his face and looks him straight in the eye. “I don’t have the strength, not to be with you right now.” She moves her hands to the back of his neck and kisses him again. Alex pulls back and looks at Noah, she looks back at him with pleading eyes, “please, I just need to feel something, anything, but this.” She kisses him again, this time he doesn’t stop her.
*************************************************************************************
Noah is sitting up, quickly adjusting herself. She gets up and walks out of the room, Alex follows, half dresses, fumbling over himself to get to her. “Noah” She starts walking faster, and faster to the point when she’s practically running. She only gets about half way up the stairs before she stumbles. Her foot slips and her knee bangs against the old wooden stairs. Her hands grip the stairs as she tries to catch her breathe, but she can’t control herself any longer. If she could breathe she would have burst into tears. Alex has caught up with her and is now standing at the end of the stairs. He looked up at her as she turns herself over. Alex watches her, this pale, fragile little girl, the girl who always wore black, sitting here now in the same dark signature that now, somehow looks foreign. Her flowing brown hair is now a sharp motionless blonde. She doesn’t look like herself. She doesn’t look like the strong, beautiful, guarded Noah he’d met that day on Amora Street. He shuffles his feet and sticks his hands in his pocket. He looks back up at her and she’s already started collecting herself. Now only soft tears roll gently, quietly down her face. She looks at him, and he sees it, in her striking emerald green eyes, that strong, beautiful girl was still inside her. They both look at each other for a moment; Alex starts to say something, but is interrupted. Noah’s mother is standing at the top of the staircase, “Louise.” Noah looks away, but not to her mother. Mrs. Baker doesn’t seem to notice Alex. Her voice is soft and kind, but raspy and tired, “I’ve been looking for you, it’s time to go.” Noah stands up and walks up to her mother without saying a word. Mrs. Baker looks down at Alex, they both don’t know what to say.
Alex speaks first, “I’m very sorry for your loss Mrs. Baker.” Those words never seem to comfort as much as they are meant to. No matter how well meaning and sincere the person saying them might be, those words never seem to be enough.
Mrs. Baker heart quivers at this. She takes a deep breathe and looks down before answering, “Why, thank you Alex, how nice of you to say.” She swallows and fixes her dress before turning around to leave, “Come along now Louise.” Noah doesn’t say anything, as she follows her mother. Alex is at a loss as to what to do with himself. He walks up the stairs and in the opposite direction of Noah and Mrs. Baker out the side door. He looks out at the crowd gathering outside the church, and looks for Noah. He doesn’t see her, but Noah sees him. She thinks about waving, shouting, or even walking over to him, but before she can even think of something to do he walks away. Alex turns back to his car, unsure of what he was even looking for.

One Thing
I’m tired, and he’s standing too close. I turn around and sit down. I don’t even bother reaching for another cigarette. Alex is turned away from me leaning forward with his hands folded behind his neck. He turns around to speak to me, and kneels down so we’re face to face. “Do you love me?”
I’m calm and my voice is steady, I was expecting that, “it’s not that simple.” I expected him to stand up, get mad and walk away from me, only to turn around and ask me again, but he surprises me.
“I love you, and you love me, what can be complicated about that?”
“Do you even know why I’m getting married tomorrow? Do you honestly think that I’m settling for David?”

The Space Between
Noah is sitting on a bench as a hansom young man named David kneels down besides her and pulls out a ring. Noah takes a deep, slow breath. “Louise Noah Baker,” her face sours at that, “will you marry me.”
“Only if you promise, NEVER to call me THAT again!”
“Is that a yes?”
She smiles, “that’s a yes.” David jumps up and takes Noah in his arms.
“Really?”
“Yes David, really.” He puts her down and she puts her hands on his face, “of course I want to marry you David.” He kisses her as she wraps her arms around his neck. David takes her hand and slips the ring on her finger. She admires it for a second and then looks back at David, “so what now?”
He laughs as they start walking, “I haven’t got the slightest idea”
He looks down at her, “Don’t look at me, I’ve never been engaged before.”
David laughs as he puts his arm around her, “Engaged, wow”
“I know right?” A young woman with red-brown hair catches Noah’s eye. The woman stops as the couple passes.
“Noah?”
The couple stops, Noah’s heart starts pounding in her chest, how does she know to call me Noah?
The woman speaks again, “Noah Baker?”
Noah turns around, “I’m sorry do I know you?”
“So it is you! I knew I recognized you!” This person is very excited, happy to see her, or maybe she is just this perky all the time. Noah goes to speak but is interrupted, “I mean you don’t look exactly the same, but you still have those eyes. It’s the eyes man, the eyes.”
“Um”
“Oh, I’m Cameron by the way”
“Hi,” Noah shakes her hand, but keeps starring at her, trying to figure out how they could possibly know each other. Cameron looks over at David and then back at Noah, “oh,” as if she were jolted awake, “um this, this is David, my fiancé”
“Get out of town!” She shakes David’s hand, “well hello David the fiancé!”
“Nice to meet you”
Noah just can’t seem to wrap her finger around this, “I’m sorry, but how do I know you?”
“Oh you don’t”
“What?”
“Well we’ve never actually met”
“Okay. . .”
Cameron turns around and sits down on a bench and ruffles through her bag. Noah looks back at David, quizzical and they both follow her back to the bench. She starts talking as she tares through the bag, “Well. . . .you see. . . .I feel like I know you. . . .because we have a mutual acquaintance. . . .uh-huh!” Cameron pulls out a picture in a frame and hands it to Noah. “See?” Noah looks at Cameron’s wide eyes as she smiles, Noah sits down as Cameron nods at her to take the picture.
Noah looks at the picture and can’t believe her eyes, “Alex.” She takes the picture in both hands and looks at it again. “Alex?”
Cameron starts to refill her purse, “yep, the one and only”
“Uh, oh wow, I haven’t seen him in a,” Noah clears her throat, “a very long time”
Alex and Cameron watch Noah as she gets lost in thought over the boy with the sand colored hair. She remembers herself, and shakes her head, “um, how did you recognize me?”
“Oh, we have a picture of you back at the house. . . .well more then one actually, but the one that I recognize you from is a close up. You don’t look that much the same, but those eyes. Man I’ll tell yea, there’s not many girls walking around with eyes like that!” Noah sits there in a daze as Cameron talks on.
“Wait, you have pictures of me? Around your house?”
“Oh well, not like framed hanging on the walls or anything! We’re not creeps! I found a whole bunch of pictures in a box with all his other high school stuff. . . .I couldn’t help but ask questions, I mean just look at you! Who wouldn’t want to know about *you*!” David laughs at that, Cameron looks up at him and smiles, “right?!”
“He told you about us?”
Sensing a little awkwardness, “oh well not anything bad or anything, just the trouble you guys use to get into and how sassy you were back then. . . .and what a bad boy he thought he was.” Cameron rolls her eyes at that as Noah tries to laugh.
Noah feels confused, “um, isn’t weird?”
“Oh I asked him to tell me, it’s not like he’s walking around talking about you all the time or something,” Cameron laughs, “I don’t think I could be with a guy that was still hung up on some other girl.”
“Are you his girlfriend?”
“Oh no I’m his wife”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Yeah Alex and I got married about 6 months ago now.”
“Wow. . .um. . . .wow, I can’t believe that. . .I, um, I have a hard time picturing Alex as somebody’s husband.”
“Oh I know, right? When you think of Alex your mind doesn’t exactly scream commitment!”
“Something like that yeah”
Cameron looks down at her watch, “oh man look at that, I have to go, I wish I could stay and talk with you, I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity or something! But I really do have to get going.”
“Oh no you go, it was nice meeting you,” Noah hands Cameron the picture, “oh don’t forget your picture.”
“Oh thanks”
David extends his arm, “it was very nice to meet you.”
Cameron takes his hand and then cups his hand with both of hers, “it really was, wasn’t it!” She lets David go and then looks over at Noah, and she can’t resist giving her a big hug. Noah is surprised and a little uncomfortable with the gesture.
“We’ll have to get together some time and have a real talk okay?”
“All right”
“It was a honor meeting you, Noah Baker”
“Actually it’s Louise. . . .my name is Louise, but only my mother calls me that anymore, most people just call me Lou-Lou or something like that”
“Or Weazie?”
A lump forms in her throat as her heart melts to the ground. No one has called her that in almost 5 years. “Yeah that too”
They both pause looking at each other for a moment, before David jolts them back to reality, “don’t you have to go?”
“Oh yeah, duh,” she keeps talking as she walks away, “it was very nice meeting you both, hope we see each other again soon, bye.”
Noah and David watch as Cameron hurries off into the distance. They stand in an awkward silence for a moment. Noah shakes her head, “well THAT was weird.” She turns and starts to walk.
David turns around and stops in front of her, “hey are you okay?”
She pauses for a moment before answering, “yeah, no I’m fine, just a lot to take in yeah know?”
“I understand,” David looks down, Noah gently movies his face up.
“Hey, I love you, you know that right?” David nods his head yes as he leans in an kisses his fiancé.

You and I Both
“I like who I am when I’m with him, I LIKE myself when I’m with him! He makes me feel like a better person, he makes me want to be a better person.”
Alex stands up and walks away from me, he turns back with so much anger and so much pain. “So what I make you hate yourself is that it?”
“No, no, I don’t hate you, or myself anymore, I’m not angry anymore don’t you see? I’m not Noah anymore.” He doesn’t like that, but he doesn’t have a response either. “I waited for you for 3 years, did you know that? But you never came back.”
“I’m sorry, I was a kid, I didn’t know what to do!”
“You don’t think I understand that?”
“I like to think that if you weren’t still angry at me for leaving, then you wouldn’t be getting married tomorrow”
“Even if you hadn’t of left, we still wouldn’t be together right now”
“I don’t believe that”
“I wouldn’t have been able to stand the guilt I feel by being with you.” I’m calm, there’s no need for anger anymore. He sits down in the chair across from me.
“I am tired of being angry, I am tired of hating myself, and I am so tired of feeling guilty. I am just so. . . tired. I don’t want to do this anymore.” We sit in silence for a moment, a part of me wonders if he’ll just get up and walk away. A part of me wants him to. I’m tired of playing this game. I’m tired of listening to him tell me he loves me, I’m tired of feeling guilty for turning him away. Because the truth is I do love him, and I will probably always love him, but first love isn’t always true love.
“Noah.”
I don’t know why he says my name, “Alex?” I look up at him to see him looking back at me, he wanted to make sure I was listening.
“I’m sorry”
I walk over and cradle his face in my hands, “you have nothing to apologize for.” He stands up and wraps his arms around me. I move my arms around his neck as he hold me close. I stand there leaning into him, letting him hold me up as the tears come streaming down my face. I feel him letting go, so I whisper in his ear, I tell him that I love him, and that I always have. He lets me go and he walks away, without stopping, without looking back. I fall to the ground and I let myself cry. Cry for myself, cry for my sister, cry for my first love, and cry for the freedom Alex has given me. I’m not sure what time it is and I really don’t care, as soon I get back to my room I call David. It’s loud where he is, or maybe I’m just in a quiet place. I can hear his friends in the background, hooting and hollering in the like frat-boys.
He answers the phone, “hello” he’s been drinking, but he still sounds the same. He sounds so far away.
“Hey babe it’s me”
“Louise?”
I try to sound normal, “you must be drunk, only someone drunk or stupid would call me that,” but my voice is soft and quiet, that doesn’t even sound remotely like a joke. David doesn’t answer, I’m too afraid to answer, but maybe he’s too drunk to hear the weakness in my voice. I hear him moving and the noise in the background growing fainter. I hear a door shut and I can’t hear anything at all.
“Hey”
“Hey”
“Are you okay?”
So he did hear, “yeah, no, I’m, I’m,” I stop for a moment, which only gave the tears time to make themselves known. I take a deep breath to try and collect myself. We’re silent for another moment before I have the courage to say anything, “I guess I’m not really okay.” I start to cry again, “I’m so sorry David.”
“No, hey it’s okay Ace”
“No it’s not, I’m calling you crying like a baby while you’re at your bachelor party? I feel like such an idiot!”
“Hey, that’s my future wife you’re talking about?”
“You would marry a stupid little girl like me?”
“No, but I would marry a beautiful, intelligent, talented photographer like you.” I smile, he’s already got me smiling, “hey, how do you feel about me coming down there and spending the night with you?”
“Isn’t that bad luck?”
“You don’t actually believe that do you?”
“No, I don’t”
“Okay I’ll see you in a bit”
“All right. . . .hey, I love you”
“I love you too”

100 Years
I’m sitting in a chair, turned away from the mirror as a woman fixes my hair. I’m sitting there thinking about David and the first time we met. I was a freshman in college and was talking pictures in the courtyard. It was fall, the leaves were orange and the wind was blowing. I remember spotting him for the first time, through my lens, and taking his picture. I remember feeling nervous and excited as I saw his eyes notice me. I turned around and thought about walking away. Just running away and letting the embarrassment stay there with him, but something made me turn around and look back at him. He waved at me, and I walked up to him. He asked me about my camera and next thing I know I’m sitting in a hotel room getting ready for our wedding. Everything seems to have happened at light speed and in slow motion at the same time.
“Done,” the woman with the comb wakes me up out of my daydream and turns me toward the mirror. I look like something out of an old movie. With red lips and be sausage curls, I could be a bride from the 1940’s. I try to smile, but nothing can calm my nerves.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, no, it’s great, it looks perfect actually”
Her reflection smiles at me, she puts both hands on my shoulders, “it’s just nerves honey, they’re perfectly natural.” I look up at her warm smile and feel comforted, still I feel the pterodactyls raging war in my stomach. Before I even have a chance to think about it, my mother, my sister Mary and my other bridesmaids walk in with my dress. Alice and Crystal both start giggling like little schoolgirls when they see me.
“Oh my goodness you look SO beautiful!”
“You look like Ava Gardner!”
I smile and laugh along as my friends fuss over me. I look up and see my sister in the mirror, sitting on the bed looking at me. We’d become very close over the last few years. It’s interesting how that happens, she didn’t speak to me or even look at me for months. It wasn’t until the night before I left for college, she crawled into bed with me and we just cried together. She really is my best friend, but sitting here even know we we’re both thinking the same thing. I wish Elaine were here. I feel a lump in my throat as tears fall down my sister’s face. I smile slightly and shrug my shoulders to her, she laughs and wipes her face.
“All right you two that’s enough,” my mother shoos Alice and Crystal as she reveals my dress. A beautiful vintage inspired dress. A-line with a lace strap on my right shoulder, covered in fine netting sprinkled with 3-D flowers. It’s a slim fitting without a corset or under dress of any kind, but it still takes all four of them to get the dress on me without messing up my hair or my make-up. The dress is on and I’m being buttoned, zipped and tired in from all angles. In the distance I hear the phone ring, over my shoulder I see my sister answer the phone. I figure it’s the wedding planner to tell us it’s time to hurry up.
“Lou, it’s the front desk, they say someone left something for you.”
It’s probably something from David, or one of the people that couldn’t make it, it’s probably not important, but I don’t want to forget about it. “Oh Mary can you go down and get it for me?”
“Yeah sure no problem,” I laugh as I watch her avoid the circus and hurry out of the room.
“Thank you,” I call after her. I look back at the mirror and see my mother looking at me with tears in her eyes as my friends smooth out my dress. My mother looks at me and I know she’s thinking it too, but as a true southern woman, she is strong. She shakes her head and pushes my hair behind my neck.
“You look beautiful my dear”
“Thanks Mama.” It’s amazing how many people had said that me today, and the only one that seemed to matter was hers. Mary walks back into the room holding a manila envelope, the thick kind that are lined with bubble wrap.
“Hey, let me see that,” I look the package over, but there’s no address, no note or anything. “Did they say who left it?”
“No, they just said that someone dropped it off for you”
“That’s strange.” My heart stops for a second as I think of who it might be. “Um, you guys should be getting ready, we’ve got to leave in less then an hour.”
My mother jumps as if the clock had just chimed, “oh you’re right, come along ladies.” Crystal and Alice are once again shooed by my mother. My sister looked back with questioning eyes, I nod my head toward the door. She slowly and reluctantly leaves me alone with the package. The second I hear the door shut I turn the package over and try to open it. It’s a stubborn piece of mail; I stand up and walk over to the table by the window, where I had left my purse. I reach in and dig around for a moment to find my nail file. I use the nail file to rip open the envelope and tilt it over the table. Something shinny and solid falls out onto the table and clanks down, the sound that stopped the world. I pick up the worn out silver lighter with the dangerous looking rose design on the side and slide down to my knees. I let my dress circle around me, as I turn the lighter over in my hands. I look at it and smile, and there it is, finally he’s set me free. He’s let me go, and finally we are free of each other. I look up out the window and watch as the first few raindrops hit the window.

Movies of 2009 (finally)

2010-03-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

10) Watchmen: Director's Cut

9) Avatar

8) Distric 9

7) Fantastic Mr. Fox

6)The Brothers Bloom

5) A Serious Man

4) Up in the Air

3) An Education

2) The Hurt Locker

1) Inglourious Basterds