Shelby J
I’m sitting in the same place, at the same table, in the Garden Room of the Blue Belle hotel that I have been sitting at for what feels like days. Silent, speechless, tired and worn, I feel like we have done this fifty times before, I feel like an aged seventy-four, instead of 24. I’m staring out the glass walls at the rain. It’s raining, how appropriate, and to think I was excited about the thought of it raining on my wedding day. I’d always dreamed of dancing in the rain in my wedding dress. David likes to joke that one-day, long after our wedding I’m going to put on the dress, go outside and dance, just because it was the perfect rainy day. I take another drag from my cigarette and run my tongue across my teeth. I’m smoking again. I can’t believe I’m smoking again. I can’t believe he’s got me smoking again. I look over at the sandy haired boy sitting across from me; he’s resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. He’s not a boy, he’s a man, but he looks the same as he did when I’d met him seven years ago, and more importantly he’s acting like child. All this makes me see him now, as a boy and not as the man he claims to be. I sit there waiting for him to say something, anything. Anything to get me out of this room, and back upstairs. Back to the world and to the life to which I’ve grown accustom. Back to the future, or at least the present. Not here stuck in the past, feeling haggard and old. He leans back in his chair, takes a deep breath and sighs. He’s about to speak, I lick my lips and bite down on my bottom lip, anticipating what is sure to be a heartbreaking sound. He leans forward, toward me and finally speaks, “what are we going to do now?” I was wrong; the sound of his voice wasn’t heartbreaking at all. It was bitter and just made me angry. I took a short drag and turned to blow the smoke at him.
“What do you mean, what are we going to do?” I didn’t know my voice could sound so cold. It didn’t surprise him as much as it had me. He didn’t flinch. He just took a short breath and looked up at me with those deceivingly beautiful shape shifting eyes, and spoke with a softness that took me off guard.
“I mean we’re here, together, you and me, so what are we going to do” I see a way out. I take another drag from my cigarette, and lean forward, blowing the smoke right in his face. Now I have no problem being cruel.
“We’re not going to do anything, you are going to go home to that beautiful wife of yours, and I am going to go back up stairs to my fiancé” I smash my cigarette out and get up, trying to walk out before I lose the nerve. He stops me, of course he does. He grabs my arm. For a moment my heart skips a beat and I forget how to breathe. How does he have this much power over me?
It’s All Coming Back To Me Now
Six miles away from the public beach, in the small fishing community of Seaton, a younger Alex is hiding in the alley waiting for Noah to pass by. She’s walking down the little street of shops and dinning, when suddenly a hand reaches out and grabs her by the wrist. Noah is scared, but only for a second. Alex pulls her in and kisses her.
Roses
I shake my head, remembering myself. That was a long time ago. I pull my arm away and take another step away from him, but something stops me, his voice, “that’s not good enough,” and the sincerity of his tone.
“Maybe not, but it’s what’s going to happen.” I take less then three steps before he tries to stop me again.
“It doesn’t have to be.” I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy, and to think, his relentless, stubbornness was once one of the things I loved about him.
“Listen,” I’m angry, that’s good, anger is good right now. “You and I both know how this is going to end.” I turn to look at him; I want to make sure he’s really listening. “No matter what we do right now, no matter which path we choose tonight. They both end the same place, here,” my voice is getting louder now, “having the same conversations we have every time you get a little, nostalgic for summers past.” I don’t walk away this time, I don’t even try, he’s getting angry, I can feel it. He stands up.
“It’s not like that,” such control, I never could understand how men could control their emotions like that, “and you know it,” but there’s anger there I can see it. I feel like one of those stereotypical ‘mean girls’ as I move my move my hands to my hips and smirk. I turn to face him, and stop; I hadn’t realized he was so close. I forgot what I was going to say. Before I can let it show I say the first thing that comes to my mind.
“Yeah right,” cleaver, I took what is normally a snarky remark and somehow turned it into a stutter. I sounded like a bad actress trying to play a noticeable lie. His eyes soften at this, and the corners of his mouth go up slightly. My eyes narrow, I feel like slapping him. “That’s right, I forgot. There’s also the part where you stalk me! Show up at my house at the middle of the night, all depressed and lonely or drunk! And beg me to run away with you!” This isn’t anger, it’s something else, I know that by the tears starting to form behind my eyes. I turn away, I hate for him to know the effect he has on me, though how could he not? I walk away from him with my face in my hands trying to stop the emotion from pouring out. He follows me, puts his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. Trying to be a night in shinning armor, it’s too late for that. I jerk my shoulder back so hard it almost hurts, “don’t touch me.” He steps back, out of respect I assume; I mean it’s not fear, I know he’s not afraid of me. I take a deep breath and push my hair out of my face; I lick my teeth, I need a cigarette. “You can’t do this you know, you can’t just keep coming in and out of my life like this. It’s not fair. I have a life here, I’m a different person now.” I turn around and look at him, his hands are in his pocket, and he’s looking down, he looks like a teenager. He keeps his head down as he speaks.
“You look the same to me.” He’s not listening. He hears me, but he’s not listening. I push past him and walk back over to the table. I grab my cigarettes and start looking for the lighter. I hear him walk over to me, and for a moment my heart starts to race, it scares me, so I take a step back. He pulls out a lighter, a silver Zippo with a rose design. He motions to light my cigarette; I take the lighter out of his hand and light the cigarette myself. I feel like the female James Dean, a Joan Jett type of bad girl as flip it closed. He’s not paying attention to me. He’s studying the rain. I take a drag and look down at the lighter. The rose on the side is not a sweet and delicate little flower, but a hard and beautiful piece of rock art. It’s the dangerous kind of red, with shadows painted in and jagged thorns sticking out. Dangerous and beautiful, just like he said I was.
Let Me Clear My Throat
A 17-year-old boy with Sandy blonde hair is walking down Amora Street, with his hands in his pocket. It’s warm, but there’s a cool breeze that makes the day seem cozy. He’s headed toward the beach, but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. He walks to the corner of the street and stops at a little blue house with white shutters. There’s a girl sitting on the porch. She’s sitting on the banister looking up toward the sky through big dark sunglasses, her leg dangling, moving with the wind. Her long dark hair and golden skin, inconsistent to the plain black dress she was wearing. There was nothing plain about this girl, she’s special. Not just because she was beautiful, there was something different about this girl, something that was impossible to ignore, the very same something that was drawing Alex toward her. He stood on the sidewalk in front of her house, starring at her, for a moment, trying to think of what to say. He didn’t want to just say hello, he knew that wouldn’t impress a girl like this, so instead he said the first thing that he could think of, “are you going to a funeral?” The girl doesn’t move. Alex looks down at his feet, just thinking she didn’t hear him, he clears his throat.
“Oh I heard you.” Alex looks up, she still hasn’t moved. A little confused, and somewhat taken aback,“what?” She turns her head to the side, pulls down her sunglasses too look at him over the frame of her sunglasses, and sees that he is serious, she smirks and turns back.
“I said I heard you.” Still a little confused, and more then a little bit intrigued, Alex decides to pursue a conversation.
“You didn’t answer.” She sighs, having fun with this interesting stranger.
“No, I didn’t,” although, at this point, Alex was pretty sure she was just trying to get rid of him, he decided to give her one more push.
“Why not?” She turns her head back to the house and smiles, he’s persistent, and she likes that. She sits up and leans against the porch, keeping her foot dangling.
“Because,” she pulls off her sunglasses and squints up at the light, “I thought it was a stupid question.” Alex tilts his head up at the light, shakes his head; she’s not going to make this easy is she?
He looks back at her, “why? Why is that such a stupid question?”
“I’ll show you.” She jumps off the porch and walks toward him, looking him straight in the eye, “ask me again.” This catches Alex off guard, which is unusual for him. He doesn’t know a lot of people, let alone any girl that can catch him off guard. In fact he doesn’t know a lot of girls that make him work this hard.
“What?” She takes a step forward and looks up at him with her emerald green eyes.
“Ask me again,” Alex is speechless for a moment, the distance hadn’t done her justice, up close she was distractingly beautiful. It takes him a moment to collect himself.
“Are you going to a funeral?” Without missing a beat, without even flinching, she answers.
“Yes,” Alex freezes, looks up at her, she’s starring him right in the eye, stern and serious. Alex can’t move, he can’t speak, he tries to make words, but nothing really comes out. She looks away and smiles, and then turns back to him and tilts her head. “You are seriously upset aren’t you”
“Well I. . .I,” he looks at her, she raises her eyebrows, the corners of her mouth are turned up, she’s joking. “Wait. . .you’re joking?”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head yes, “yeah.” Alex takes a deep breathe, finally breathing. She reaches into her pocket and Alex does too. Alex pulls out a pack of cigarettes as she pulls out a pack of gum. She looks at him questioningly, “I’ve got you smoking?” He looks up at her, “wow you must really be a good guy.”
“What does that mean?” She puts a stick of gum in her mouth.
“I mean look at you, you’re shaking, it really upset you that you thought someone had dyed, and you’d been a complete ass”
“It’s not everyday you get to make someone’s horrible day even more awful,” he pulls out a silver Zippo with a rose design on the side. It catches the light, and her eye.
“Whoa,” she grabs his hand, it takes him by surprise, her hands are cold. The gesture takes her by surprise as well; she’s not usually this comfortable with complete strangers. He lets the lighter slip from his fingers into hers, “I like this.”
Alex looks at her and smiles, he likes her, “I’m Alex”
“I’m,” she stops bits her lip and looks away, “Louise.” Alex looks at her and tilts his head, she shrugs her shoulders, “it’s never really suited me”
“No it doesn’t”
“Louise Noah Baker, what kind of name is that?”
“Noah?”
“Yeah, it was my fathers name, it’s a southern tradition, my parents grew up in Louisiana”
“It’s southern tradition to give your children horrible names that don’t fit them?” She laughed, covering her smile with her hand.
“No, a family name, to name your kids after yourself, so almost all the men in my family are named Noah, but since I turned out to be a girl, I got Louise instead.”
“Noah huh?”
“Yeah”
“I like that”
“Yeah me too.” Some calls from inside the house, “oh, I better go”
Alex nods, “ok.” She turns and starts to walk back toward the house, Alex watches her for a moment and then turns to walk away. She calls after him.
“Oh wait, you forgot your lighter.” He smirks, and turns back.
“No, I know,” he smiles, “see you later Noah” Alex walks backward for a minute, watching her as she fights a smile.
“See you later Alex,” he turns and walks down the street as Noah studies the lighter.
I Like That
I’m still standing there starring at the lighter. It’s the same, only different, Harsher, aged, scratched and worn, but still beautiful, even more so in some ways. Seeing this now, remembering the first time I’d seen it, it softens me. “I can’t believe you still have this,” my voice shakes.
“What was I suppose to do, throw it away?” His voice was harsh, he’s mad, it pisses me off, if anyone has the right to be angry right now it’s me. He turns back at my silence and as soon as I know he sees me I throw the lighter at him.
“I guess I just thought you would have stopped carrying it around.” He puts his hands back into his pockets and he sifts his weight from foot to foot.
“I guess I just never could bring myself to put it away.” I don’t like that; I don’t like the fact that he’s carried this around all this time. I don’t like him looking at the lighter and seeing me. I don’t like thinking about him leaving the house every morning, kissing his wife goodbye, with me in his pocket. I don’t like this, because I like this. It makes me happy to know I’ve been on his mind, that he’s thought about me and he misses me. That he carries me around with him everywhere he goes. It makes me happy, which, in turn makes me angry.
I can’t stand it anymore, I have to say something, “Why do you do this to me? Why do you keep coming back here?”
Head Over Feet
The only light anywhere near Noah’s house is the light coming from the tiny light fixture above the door. She is sitting swinging on the porch swing, flicking the lighter. Her hair is down and her thick dark bangs are brushed to the side and pinned with a little black heart. Her shoes are black, but her dress is gray, and her face was glowing with the promise of the evening. “Excuse me miss, are you going to a funeral?” Noah jumps up and walks into the light.
“No, as a matter of fact, I am not”
Vertigo
I stand there starring at him, waiting, needing an answer. He looks up at me with glossy puppy dog eyes, his eyes are green, they’re always green when he’s with me.
“I love you.” I can’t believe he did it, I can’t believe he said that. The words have been lingering in the air since he got here, but I still can’t believe he said that. It tears me apart, no I have to stand my ground, I have to stay mad.
“No”
“Yes”
“No”
“Noah!”
“NO!” Noah, he called me Noah. I’ve gotten myself so worked up that I am panting like I’d just run a marathon. He’s calm, his breath steady, but not even. I can feel his breath on my head. I hadn’t realized how close we had gotten. My head is down, but I don’t dare look up. In one swift motion I turn away from him and walk back to window. The fire between us is unbelievable. My head is spinning and my heart is at my knees. I am incredibly aware of everything around me, and yet my vision is so blurry I can’t see anything. I’m dizzy, I feel like I could collapse at any moment, so I sit down. I push my hair out of my face and reach for my cigarettes. I hadn’t realized how much I was shaking. I put the cigarette to my mouth and try to light it, but I’m shaking so much I can’t even make the lighter spark. I take the cigarette out of my mouth and as calm as I possible can, I put my hands on the armrest of the chair. I take a deep breath, “this isn’t love, it’s addiction,” I turn to face him, but he’s looking away, “you’re addicted to me.”
He takes a moment, and then he turns around, “if you mean that I want you and I need you then yes, I am addicted to you.” He’s twisting my words, he doesn’t understand. Make him understand, make him hear you.
“Just because you want something to the point that it feels like a need, doesn’t mean you actually need it”
Smile
Noah and Alex are on the pier, it’s late, and the place is deserted, with nothing but the sound of the crashing waves to break the silence. Noah outs her feet on the railing and leans out into the wind, she closers her eyes as the wind pushes her dark hair behind her shoulders. Alex has his back to the ocean, leaning against the railing, watching her. “You better be careful.” Noah starts to smile but then softly bits her lip. Alex is still watching her, studying her carefully. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Whenever you start to smile, you stop yourself.”
“Oh,” she steps off with one foot, and grabs hold of the top railing with both hands, “you noticed that huh”
“Yeah, what’s up with that?”
“Um, I don’t know, it’s just a habit I guess,” she walks over to a bench and sits down, Alex follows. “My parents call me ‘the incredibly unhappy child’ because I would almost never smile, even when I did it wasn’t, I don’t know, big happy little kid smile. That’s actually the reason I started wearing black all the time. I thought, well if they want me to be the incredibly unhappy child, then that’s what I’ll be.”
“You shouldn’t you know”
“What wear black all the time”
“No, hide your smile, you have a beautiful smile”
She bites her lips again, “and how would you know?”
“I can tell, you have a face for a smile.” Noah starts to smile, then looks down and laughs a little. She turns her head away from Alex for a moment and then looks back at him, with a shy little smile on her face. “Oh come on, you can do better then that.” Noah smiles, this time not holding back, Alex puts his hand under her chin, “look at that, you are beautiful.” Alex leans in and kisses Noah.
I’m Still In Love With You
We are exactly where we started; I am sitting in the same chair, with the same feeling I had in the first hour as I do the third. Alex is sitting across from me, angled toward me. He’s sitting there leaning back in his chair, franticly tapping his foot, like he’s waiting for something to happen. I sit there waiting for him to say something. I’m not sure if I’m waiting out of respect or just out of habit. I’m use to waiting for Alex. I’m always waiting for Alex. He takes a deep breath and for a second I think he’s finally going to say something. Either that or he’s about to walk away, and quite frankly, at this point I’d be happy either way. Because either path gets me out of this chair and out of this room. I start playing with my pack of cigarettes. Twirling it in my hand and tapping it on the arm of the chair, playing with the idea of lighting another cigarette. I run my tongue across my teeth and then lightly bite my lip. I am so memorized by the rain falling through the trees outside, that I don’t even notice him watching me, so when he finally decides to speak it frightens me. “We’re good together”
“What?”
He moves closer, “*we're good together”
I shake my head, he honestly doesn’t understand does he? “But are we good for each other?”
“What?”
“Maybe we were good when we were together, but we are not good *for* each other, not in the long run”
“What does that mean”
“Are you honestly going to make me say it?”
He’s getting mad now, I can tell by the way he’s started pacing the floor. He stops and turns toward me. “You know, that was always your problem, you always saw the dark side of things. You never could look on the brighter side of life.”
Christ I need a cigarette, “wise up Alex,” I light another cigarette, “we live in the darkness.” I take a drag and throw the lighter back on the table. He turns around and makes his way back to me, walking toward me fast and strong, like a man about to start a fight.
“Not when we’re together,” his voice is calm, of course it is, “there’s no darkness when we’re together.” He’s leaning closer to me know and I have to consciously stop myself from giving in to him. I stay mad and I keep myself mad, because as long as I’m mad I’m in control.
“Exactly Alex, it’s irresponsible.” He walks away from me and presses his head against the glass. “When we’re together all we see is each other, no one else matters, nothing else matters.”
He walks back toward me and speaks with a sharpness to his voice, “some people would call that romantic.”
I shake my head, “yes well,” I take another drag from my cigarette, “some people, are morons.”
“You know what,” he pushes on the wall and it opens, I hadn’t realized he was standing in front of the door. “Sometimes your pessimism blinds you.” He walks outside, into the rain, I chase after him.
“Blind to what?” It’s cold, I’m already shivering, “blind to childhood fantasies? Blind to responsibility?” His body is turned away from me, but I can still see his face, his breath, his body language is strong, but his breath is shaking. “We’re not children anymore Alex. We can’t just take off into the night and leave the world behind.”
He looks up at me, his hair plastered to his forehead, his voice shaking, “why not?”
Night in My Veins
Noah is standing in front of a mirror; she’s wearing a purple dress, with a black sash around the middle. A younger girl with dark hair and dark eyes walks into the room and leans against the doorframe, “where are you doing?”
Noah jumps, “no where. What are you doing in here?”
“Mom and dad just left”
“Oh okay, good, where’s Laney?”
“Down stairs watching Barney, why?”
Noah grabs a sweater and her purse
“Come on,” Noah pushes on Mary’s back and they both walk down to the living room. She puts her things down by the door and moves Mary over to the couch next to Laney and then turns off the television.
“Hey!”
“I just need to talk to you two”
“I was watching that!”
“Laney, it’s a tape, I think it can wait.” The little girl folds her arms across her chest and sinks back into the sofa.
Mary leans forward, “so Louise, what is it that you want?”
“Don’t call me that, and I’ll tell you. As you know mom and dad are gone for the evening.”
Mary interrupts, impatient and too smart to be ployed by her older sister, “what’s your point the Weazie?”
Noah glares at Mary for a moment, “the point my dear sister is this: I am going out, and as you’ve just proven you are more then capable of taking care of yourself.”
“What about Laney? ”
Little Laney leans up mimicking her sister, “yeah what about me!”
“Like I said, Mary is more then capable of taking care of herself, and capable enough to take care of you”
Noah walks back to the door and starts putting on her sweater, the girls rush over and stand between Noah and the door.
“Wait so you’re just going to leave us here?”
“You’re leaving! Oh no s’eazie you can’t go!” Laney grabs Noah’s leg and holds on for dear life.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Noah pulls the little girl off her leg and bends down to her level. “Everything is going to be all right, you two are going to sit her watch some TV while I go out for a little while, it’s no big deal.” She looks at both of them, seriously contemplating not going. “Listen lock the doors, don’t open them for anyone, don’t answer the phone and stay out of trouble.” She kisses Elaine on the forehead and pinches Mary’s cheek. “I love you, both.” Noah gets up and opens the door, “take care of each other.” She shuts the door and waits for a moment. The two girls stand in the entryway staring at the door; Mary walks over and locks the door. Noah hears the door like and walks down the pathway, Alex is waiting for her at the white picket fence. She smiles as she sees him.
“Hello beautiful”
“Why hello to you too sir.” They both hurry off into the night, moving as if they were running away from something. The couple makes their way to the beach. They’ve slowed down now; they’re walking hand in hand slowly soaking in the night. Noah stops and turns toward Alex, he touches her face and kisses her. She wraps her arms around his neck as picks her up by her waist. He takes one step and falls. They both come tumbling down, laughing. Noah shakes her head and blows sand out of her mouth, “gross.” Alex turns over and puts his arms on either side of her, leaning over her.
“Hey”
“Hey”
Alex looks up at the lifeguard tower, Noah follows his gaze, they both look back at each other. Noah smiles and nods her head, biting her lip. Alex stands up and offers his hand to Noah, “come on.” He helps her up and they walk over to the lifeguard tower. Alex climbs the ladder and Noah follows, they get to the door and it has a padlock on the door. Alex looks back at Noah, she shrugs her shoulders. “I can get it open”
“I’m not going to like this am I?”
“Probably not, no”
“Well then I am just going to go and stand over there for a few minutes.” Noah walks to the other side of the tower and leans over the railing. The wind is blowing; it feels just like the night that Alex first kissed her. She feels as if the world is trying to tell her something. She thinks, this is a good sign.
“You really love the wind don’t you?”
Noah turns around to see Alex watching her, “no, not really.” She smiles and he lifts up the padlock, “how did you do that?”
“S’easy.” She starts to smile and then bites her lip, she shakes her head and lets herself be happy. Alex walks over and wraps his arms around her, he lifts her off the railing as she wraps her legs around him. He carries her into the lifeguard tower and shuts the door.
************************************************************************************
Elaine and Mary are at a loss for what to do with themselves. They started watching a movie, but quickly go bored of that. They both sat there starring at the screen, completely uninterested at what was going on. Mary gets up, too impatient to sit around watching a boring movie just to stay out of trouble. She walks over to the movie cabinet and She finds the cover of one particular tape very intriguing, a wide-eyed girl with a hand over her mouth. “Let’s watch this,” she walks over and puts the tape into the VCR. She pushes rewind and then walks over to the couch and sits next to Elaine.
“What is it called?”
“Um,” Mary picks up the cover and reads: “Scream.” Elaine looks worried as Mary pushes play on the remote control. She stopped the move too soon, right in the middle of a death scene. They were blood-curdling screams, “oops, too soon,” Elaine buries her head into Mary’s shoulder. Mary laughs, “don’t worry Laney, it’s not real.” She looks back up at the screen, “Oh wait I think this is it.” Mary settles in and leans forward, completely invested into the movie. Elaine slowly comes out from behind her sister. “You see, it’s not that bad.” Soon things start to change and both girls are holding on to each other. The movie gets quiet for a moment and *CRASH* both girls scream.
“Oh no Mary, he’s coming to get us!” Mary takes a deep breath and swallows.
“No, no it’s okay, Laney.” She pats Elaine on the arm and slowly starts to get up, not letting go of her sister’s arm. “Come on let’s go check it out.”
“No Mary, I don’t want to!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”
Elaine follows holding on to her sister’s back as if Mary were her mother. The girls are getting closer to the noise. Mary looks out the glass door, can’t see anything in the darkness. Something rustles the leaves and both girls jump. Elaine jumps back and Mary jumps for the light. She switches on the light and the yard aluminates to show, an orange tabby cat. Before Mary can even take a breath Elaine is up and running for the door, “Lucy!”
“Wait Laney,” but before Mary can even finish her sentence Elaine is outside chasing after the cat. Mary takes off after her, “Laney!”
*************************************************************************************
Noah comes out of the lifeguard tower fixing the black sash around her dress. Alex kisses her on the neck and then turns her around, “you sure you don’t want to stay?”
“Of course I *want* to stay,” Alex kisses her again, “but I can’t.”
“mhm,” Alex nods his head and kisses Noah again this time pulling her closer and holding her longer.
Noah pulls away, “I have to go.” Alex leans forward again; Noah takes a step back and puts her hand out in front of her, “ubaba, noooo. I *really* have to go.” She takes a step forward to say good by but stops, “seriously, behave yourself mister.” She leans in and kisses him on the mouth slowly, then she puts her hands on his face and kisses him faster. She pulls away, “okay, I’m really gone this time,” she kisses him quickly, “bye.” She smiles at him and hurries away down the tower and across the sand. Alex watches as she leaves, he leans back against the tower and sighs, placing his hand on his chest. He smiles, running his hand through his hair, and laughs as he turns back into the tower.
My Immortal
“Don’t make me say it.” How can he not understand? He turns around and walks straight toward me.
“What does that have to do with us?”
“What do you mean what does that have to do with us?” I don’t wait for an answer, it wasn’t really a question, “that has everything to do with us.” I take a moment to catch my breathe, I’d been yelling, I don’t know why, but the rain seemed so loud. “It’s our,” he stops me; he knows what I was going to say.
“Don’t, don’t do that to yourself Noah”
“How can I not?” I try to push myself away from him, but I just end up falling to the ground. I hold my face in my hands, I can’t tell if I’m crying or it’s just the rain. He kneels down besides me and pulls me in by my shoulders. I lay my head in his lap and scream.
Black Hole Sun
Mary runs out of the light and into the darkness of the cool summer night. Elaine is missing, she can’t hear her or see her. Then Mary’s heart stops, there’s a splash, Elaine had fallen into the pool. “Laney!” There are sounds of splashing and Elaine gasping for air and yelling for help. Mary is running as fast and as hard as she can to get to her sister, but it’s dark and she trips over something hard, a rock. Mary gets on her hands and knees crawling frantically looking for the edge of the pool. She doesn’t remember the yard being this big before. The ground feels wet underneath her hands, and she knows she’s close, then she feels the tiles and the water. Elaine is scared moving her arms and legs frantically as she screams, but with every breath water flows in throat and cokes her, and with every kick she gets weaker. Mary reaches out barely being able to make out her sister in the darkness and fury of her sister’s struggle. “Laney! Grab my hand”
“I can’t”
“Laney!” Mary yells as she reaches out for Elaine, but she can’t find her, she can’t even hear her anymore. “Laney!” Mary leans in further, her grip slips and falls into the pool. The water is warm, the world seems to stop and everything gets quiet for a moment. Mary pushed herself up to the surface and takes a deep breath, she looks around for Laney, but she’s gone. Mary dives down to find her. She’s unconscious, dead weight, Mary tries to pull her up, but she’s just not strong enough. Her chest is starting to hurt, she needs to breathe, she opens her mouth and water comes rushing in. Mary pushes herself to the surface and reaches for the edge. She climbs out of the pool and tries to breathe, choking and coughing up water. She lifts herself up on her hands trying to get back up, but she falls over and passes out.
This Love
My head is still in Alex’s lap and his hand is on my back. I’ve calmed down and am now trying to collect myself. I feel like a child. I turn my body to lay on my side. Alex moves his hand to my shoulder. My hair is wet and stuck to the side of my face, as if he can read my mind, Alex brushes my hair out of my face. I lie there, and give him what he wants; I let him take care of me. I let him show me how much he loves me. Then I remember myself, and sit up. I brush myself off and do my best to settle my hair. The rain has settled now, but the air is still wet and muggy. I hug my shoulders, it’s freezing. “We can’t do this”
Alex gets up, “do what?”
He knows what I mean, he’s trying to be cute, “don’t do that, Alex you know what I mean”
“Really? Because I don’t think that I do. I can honestly say that I don’t see the problem here?”
“You don’t see the problem? Alex you’re married! I’m engaged!”
“Then let’s get out of here. Let’s just take off and leave all this behind”
“Stop it Alex”
“Why not, you want to I know you do”
“No, I don’t”
“Yes you do, I know you Noah, I know you better then anyone. I know these walls that you build up to keep people out, I’ve gotten around them before, and I will do it again.”
I have my face in my hand as I wrap the other around my stomach, I feel like I’m going to be sick. “I don’t know how many times I am going to have to say this but, I don’t want to go anywhere with you, not now, not ever,” I lean in and look him straight in the eye, speaking slowly and clearly, making sure he hears each word. “Do you understand?”
“No, your right, I don’t understand.” Of course he doesn’t.
“How do I get this into your head Alex? I can’t do this, we can’t do this, this is not what responsible adults do!” With every word we’re getting closer.
He looks away from me, “how do you figure?”
I’m yelling now, I need him to hear me, “it’s not how the world works, you can’t just take out into the night and do whatever you want.” I turn around and look him in the eyes, something I see there softens me. I stop and take a deep breath, my voice is softer now, quieter, “with who ever you want.”
Verse Chorus Verse
Noah takes her time getting home, soaking in this beautiful night. She comes up over the hill and stops; she stops breathing as her heart sinks to the floor. There are police cars, fire trucks and an ambulance outside her house. She starts running toward the house, she sees her sister Mary sitting on the porch with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and yet she is still shaking. “Mary!” She doesn’t answer, she doesn’t even move. “Mary! Are you all right? What happened!?” Noah puts her arms on Mary’s shoulders trying to get her to respond, “Mary.” Suddenly Noah realizes something, “Mary, where’s Laney?” Mary looks up at that, Noah speaks again, slower and louder this time, “Mary where is. . .” Noah is interrupted by Mary’s gaze as she stares away from her. Noah looks at Mary bewildered and out of breath. She follows Mary’s gaze and sees a black bag on a gurney being loaded into a van. It takes a second for Noah to realize she’s not breathing; she tries to push air out or inhale it back in but nothings happening. She starts to panic as she stands up, shaking and fumbling. Noah’s dizzy, everything is quiet and out of focus. She feels like she might fall over, she leans against the house for support. Her stomach cramps up and her throat starts to burn, she throws up into her mothers rose bushes and then falls to her side. The noise starts again as someone comes over to talk to them, Mary still hasn’t moved and Noah is now lying on the ground starring up at the sky.
Are You Happy Now?
He’s close, so close we almost touch. I turned around and there he was, just like he always was. I’m looking down and away, trying to find the right thing to say. Trying as I have been all night, “you are a hopeless romantic, and sometimes that blinds you,” I look up at him, his eyes are turning brown. I try to look at him sweetly, I try to show him compassion, but my words just sound like repetitive nonsense, “I think if you really think about it,” he turns away from me and starts back toward the glass room. I don’t move, I just let my voice follow; “if you really look back you'll see this for what it is. You'll see how bad we were for each other.”
He stops and pauses for a moment, but he doesn’t look at me. “I don't see anything wrong with us”
I’m starting to break, I want to cry, the sincerity and love behind those words are threatening to break my heart. I can’t stand this anymore. I can’t stand the way he makes me feel. I can’t stand how out of control I feel right now. I tried to be nice, I tired to make him understand, but I just can’t do this anymore. “You see, this is exactly why I can't be with you!” I walk right up to him and shove him into the doorframe. “You drive me crazy. I can't think when I'm with you! I can't keep my thoughts straight.” My voice is loud and cracking, the anger is making my voice horse. “I can't control myself, I do stupid immature things. I act without thinking. I don't do what I'm suppose to, I don't take care of myself. I mean just look at me! I'm a mess!” I look back at him as he looks away. I lean back against the door and let myself slide down. “Don't you understand Alex, I can't, I just can't.”
Closer
It’s a deceivingly beautiful Sunday morning. Alex stands outside the church, in a black shirt and dark jeans. He looks up at the top of the steeple and back down at the door. He takes a deep breath and pushes open the door. The ceremony had already begun, the church was silent, the quiet squeak of the door sounded like the chime from a bell tower. Alex looks up and swallows, but no one turns around. He waits, looks around, not sure what to do. A beautiful young girl stands up and makes her way toward him. Her hair is bleached blonde and chopped into a crude bob. She walks up to him and slows down for a moment to make eye contact with him. She walks past him, without stopping, without speaking. Alex followers her down the hallway, down some stairs and through the church offices before he tries to say something, “wait.” She keeps walking. “Noah, hold on,” he grabs her arm and turns her around, she doesn’t look at him and keeps her body turned away from him. “Are you all right? How are you doing?” She turns away from him and tries to walk away. “Noah, talk to me.”
“Not here,” she pulls away from him and walks further down the hall. Noah walks into a room and Alex follows. The room has two sets of bunk beds and a big dresser under a window. It’s one of the spear rooms the church has in case someone ever needs a place to stay. She closes and locks the door behind her. Alex turns around to look at her, and Noah grabs him and kisses him.
He pulls away, “whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing”
She takes off her sweater, “what does it look like I’m doing?” She pulls his head back in and kisses him again.
“Here, now? Noah.” She kisses him again and leads him over to the bed. Alex sits down on the bed and stops her, putting his hands on her face. “Hey, talk to me”
“I don’t want to talk,” she starts unbuttoning his shirt. He tries to stop him again, but she grabs his face and looks him straight in the eye. “I don’t have the strength, not to be with you right now.” She moves her hands to the back of his neck and kisses him again. Alex pulls back and looks at Noah, she looks back at him with pleading eyes, “please, I just need to feel something, anything, but this.” She kisses him again, this time he doesn’t stop her.
*************************************************************************************
Noah is sitting up, quickly adjusting herself. She gets up and walks out of the room, Alex follows, half dresses, fumbling over himself to get to her. “Noah” She starts walking faster, and faster to the point when she’s practically running. She only gets about half way up the stairs before she stumbles. Her foot slips and her knee bangs against the old wooden stairs. Her hands grip the stairs as she tries to catch her breathe, but she can’t control herself any longer. If she could breathe she would have burst into tears. Alex has caught up with her and is now standing at the end of the stairs. He looked up at her as she turns herself over. Alex watches her, this pale, fragile little girl, the girl who always wore black, sitting here now in the same dark signature that now, somehow looks foreign. Her flowing brown hair is now a sharp motionless blonde. She doesn’t look like herself. She doesn’t look like the strong, beautiful, guarded Noah he’d met that day on Amora Street. He shuffles his feet and sticks his hands in his pocket. He looks back up at her and she’s already started collecting herself. Now only soft tears roll gently, quietly down her face. She looks at him, and he sees it, in her striking emerald green eyes, that strong, beautiful girl was still inside her. They both look at each other for a moment; Alex starts to say something, but is interrupted. Noah’s mother is standing at the top of the staircase, “Louise.” Noah looks away, but not to her mother. Mrs. Baker doesn’t seem to notice Alex. Her voice is soft and kind, but raspy and tired, “I’ve been looking for you, it’s time to go.” Noah stands up and walks up to her mother without saying a word. Mrs. Baker looks down at Alex, they both don’t know what to say.
Alex speaks first, “I’m very sorry for your loss Mrs. Baker.” Those words never seem to comfort as much as they are meant to. No matter how well meaning and sincere the person saying them might be, those words never seem to be enough.
Mrs. Baker heart quivers at this. She takes a deep breathe and looks down before answering, “Why, thank you Alex, how nice of you to say.” She swallows and fixes her dress before turning around to leave, “Come along now Louise.” Noah doesn’t say anything, as she follows her mother. Alex is at a loss as to what to do with himself. He walks up the stairs and in the opposite direction of Noah and Mrs. Baker out the side door. He looks out at the crowd gathering outside the church, and looks for Noah. He doesn’t see her, but Noah sees him. She thinks about waving, shouting, or even walking over to him, but before she can even think of something to do he walks away. Alex turns back to his car, unsure of what he was even looking for.
One Thing
I’m tired, and he’s standing too close. I turn around and sit down. I don’t even bother reaching for another cigarette. Alex is turned away from me leaning forward with his hands folded behind his neck. He turns around to speak to me, and kneels down so we’re face to face. “Do you love me?”
I’m calm and my voice is steady, I was expecting that, “it’s not that simple.” I expected him to stand up, get mad and walk away from me, only to turn around and ask me again, but he surprises me.
“I love you, and you love me, what can be complicated about that?”
“Do you even know why I’m getting married tomorrow? Do you honestly think that I’m settling for David?”
The Space Between
Noah is sitting on a bench as a hansom young man named David kneels down besides her and pulls out a ring. Noah takes a deep, slow breath. “Louise Noah Baker,” her face sours at that, “will you marry me.”
“Only if you promise, NEVER to call me THAT again!”
“Is that a yes?”
She smiles, “that’s a yes.” David jumps up and takes Noah in his arms.
“Really?”
“Yes David, really.” He puts her down and she puts her hands on his face, “of course I want to marry you David.” He kisses her as she wraps her arms around his neck. David takes her hand and slips the ring on her finger. She admires it for a second and then looks back at David, “so what now?”
He laughs as they start walking, “I haven’t got the slightest idea”
He looks down at her, “Don’t look at me, I’ve never been engaged before.”
David laughs as he puts his arm around her, “Engaged, wow”
“I know right?” A young woman with red-brown hair catches Noah’s eye. The woman stops as the couple passes.
“Noah?”
The couple stops, Noah’s heart starts pounding in her chest, how does she know to call me Noah?
The woman speaks again, “Noah Baker?”
Noah turns around, “I’m sorry do I know you?”
“So it is you! I knew I recognized you!” This person is very excited, happy to see her, or maybe she is just this perky all the time. Noah goes to speak but is interrupted, “I mean you don’t look exactly the same, but you still have those eyes. It’s the eyes man, the eyes.”
“Um”
“Oh, I’m Cameron by the way”
“Hi,” Noah shakes her hand, but keeps starring at her, trying to figure out how they could possibly know each other. Cameron looks over at David and then back at Noah, “oh,” as if she were jolted awake, “um this, this is David, my fiancé”
“Get out of town!” She shakes David’s hand, “well hello David the fiancé!”
“Nice to meet you”
Noah just can’t seem to wrap her finger around this, “I’m sorry, but how do I know you?”
“Oh you don’t”
“What?”
“Well we’ve never actually met”
“Okay. . .”
Cameron turns around and sits down on a bench and ruffles through her bag. Noah looks back at David, quizzical and they both follow her back to the bench. She starts talking as she tares through the bag, “Well. . . .you see. . . .I feel like I know you. . . .because we have a mutual acquaintance. . . .uh-huh!” Cameron pulls out a picture in a frame and hands it to Noah. “See?” Noah looks at Cameron’s wide eyes as she smiles, Noah sits down as Cameron nods at her to take the picture.
Noah looks at the picture and can’t believe her eyes, “Alex.” She takes the picture in both hands and looks at it again. “Alex?”
Cameron starts to refill her purse, “yep, the one and only”
“Uh, oh wow, I haven’t seen him in a,” Noah clears her throat, “a very long time”
Alex and Cameron watch Noah as she gets lost in thought over the boy with the sand colored hair. She remembers herself, and shakes her head, “um, how did you recognize me?”
“Oh, we have a picture of you back at the house. . . .well more then one actually, but the one that I recognize you from is a close up. You don’t look that much the same, but those eyes. Man I’ll tell yea, there’s not many girls walking around with eyes like that!” Noah sits there in a daze as Cameron talks on.
“Wait, you have pictures of me? Around your house?”
“Oh well, not like framed hanging on the walls or anything! We’re not creeps! I found a whole bunch of pictures in a box with all his other high school stuff. . . .I couldn’t help but ask questions, I mean just look at you! Who wouldn’t want to know about *you*!” David laughs at that, Cameron looks up at him and smiles, “right?!”
“He told you about us?”
Sensing a little awkwardness, “oh well not anything bad or anything, just the trouble you guys use to get into and how sassy you were back then. . . .and what a bad boy he thought he was.” Cameron rolls her eyes at that as Noah tries to laugh.
Noah feels confused, “um, isn’t weird?”
“Oh I asked him to tell me, it’s not like he’s walking around talking about you all the time or something,” Cameron laughs, “I don’t think I could be with a guy that was still hung up on some other girl.”
“Are you his girlfriend?”
“Oh no I’m his wife”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Yeah Alex and I got married about 6 months ago now.”
“Wow. . .um. . . .wow, I can’t believe that. . .I, um, I have a hard time picturing Alex as somebody’s husband.”
“Oh I know, right? When you think of Alex your mind doesn’t exactly scream commitment!”
“Something like that yeah”
Cameron looks down at her watch, “oh man look at that, I have to go, I wish I could stay and talk with you, I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity or something! But I really do have to get going.”
“Oh no you go, it was nice meeting you,” Noah hands Cameron the picture, “oh don’t forget your picture.”
“Oh thanks”
David extends his arm, “it was very nice to meet you.”
Cameron takes his hand and then cups his hand with both of hers, “it really was, wasn’t it!” She lets David go and then looks over at Noah, and she can’t resist giving her a big hug. Noah is surprised and a little uncomfortable with the gesture.
“We’ll have to get together some time and have a real talk okay?”
“All right”
“It was a honor meeting you, Noah Baker”
“Actually it’s Louise. . . .my name is Louise, but only my mother calls me that anymore, most people just call me Lou-Lou or something like that”
“Or Weazie?”
A lump forms in her throat as her heart melts to the ground. No one has called her that in almost 5 years. “Yeah that too”
They both pause looking at each other for a moment, before David jolts them back to reality, “don’t you have to go?”
“Oh yeah, duh,” she keeps talking as she walks away, “it was very nice meeting you both, hope we see each other again soon, bye.”
Noah and David watch as Cameron hurries off into the distance. They stand in an awkward silence for a moment. Noah shakes her head, “well THAT was weird.” She turns and starts to walk.
David turns around and stops in front of her, “hey are you okay?”
She pauses for a moment before answering, “yeah, no I’m fine, just a lot to take in yeah know?”
“I understand,” David looks down, Noah gently movies his face up.
“Hey, I love you, you know that right?” David nods his head yes as he leans in an kisses his fiancé.
You and I Both
“I like who I am when I’m with him, I LIKE myself when I’m with him! He makes me feel like a better person, he makes me want to be a better person.”
Alex stands up and walks away from me, he turns back with so much anger and so much pain. “So what I make you hate yourself is that it?”
“No, no, I don’t hate you, or myself anymore, I’m not angry anymore don’t you see? I’m not Noah anymore.” He doesn’t like that, but he doesn’t have a response either. “I waited for you for 3 years, did you know that? But you never came back.”
“I’m sorry, I was a kid, I didn’t know what to do!”
“You don’t think I understand that?”
“I like to think that if you weren’t still angry at me for leaving, then you wouldn’t be getting married tomorrow”
“Even if you hadn’t of left, we still wouldn’t be together right now”
“I don’t believe that”
“I wouldn’t have been able to stand the guilt I feel by being with you.” I’m calm, there’s no need for anger anymore. He sits down in the chair across from me.
“I am tired of being angry, I am tired of hating myself, and I am so tired of feeling guilty. I am just so. . . tired. I don’t want to do this anymore.” We sit in silence for a moment, a part of me wonders if he’ll just get up and walk away. A part of me wants him to. I’m tired of playing this game. I’m tired of listening to him tell me he loves me, I’m tired of feeling guilty for turning him away. Because the truth is I do love him, and I will probably always love him, but first love isn’t always true love.
“Noah.”
I don’t know why he says my name, “Alex?” I look up at him to see him looking back at me, he wanted to make sure I was listening.
“I’m sorry”
I walk over and cradle his face in my hands, “you have nothing to apologize for.” He stands up and wraps his arms around me. I move my arms around his neck as he hold me close. I stand there leaning into him, letting him hold me up as the tears come streaming down my face. I feel him letting go, so I whisper in his ear, I tell him that I love him, and that I always have. He lets me go and he walks away, without stopping, without looking back. I fall to the ground and I let myself cry. Cry for myself, cry for my sister, cry for my first love, and cry for the freedom Alex has given me. I’m not sure what time it is and I really don’t care, as soon I get back to my room I call David. It’s loud where he is, or maybe I’m just in a quiet place. I can hear his friends in the background, hooting and hollering in the like frat-boys.
He answers the phone, “hello” he’s been drinking, but he still sounds the same. He sounds so far away.
“Hey babe it’s me”
“Louise?”
I try to sound normal, “you must be drunk, only someone drunk or stupid would call me that,” but my voice is soft and quiet, that doesn’t even sound remotely like a joke. David doesn’t answer, I’m too afraid to answer, but maybe he’s too drunk to hear the weakness in my voice. I hear him moving and the noise in the background growing fainter. I hear a door shut and I can’t hear anything at all.
“Hey”
“Hey”
“Are you okay?”
So he did hear, “yeah, no, I’m, I’m,” I stop for a moment, which only gave the tears time to make themselves known. I take a deep breath to try and collect myself. We’re silent for another moment before I have the courage to say anything, “I guess I’m not really okay.” I start to cry again, “I’m so sorry David.”
“No, hey it’s okay Ace”
“No it’s not, I’m calling you crying like a baby while you’re at your bachelor party? I feel like such an idiot!”
“Hey, that’s my future wife you’re talking about?”
“You would marry a stupid little girl like me?”
“No, but I would marry a beautiful, intelligent, talented photographer like you.” I smile, he’s already got me smiling, “hey, how do you feel about me coming down there and spending the night with you?”
“Isn’t that bad luck?”
“You don’t actually believe that do you?”
“No, I don’t”
“Okay I’ll see you in a bit”
“All right. . . .hey, I love you”
“I love you too”
100 Years
I’m sitting in a chair, turned away from the mirror as a woman fixes my hair. I’m sitting there thinking about David and the first time we met. I was a freshman in college and was talking pictures in the courtyard. It was fall, the leaves were orange and the wind was blowing. I remember spotting him for the first time, through my lens, and taking his picture. I remember feeling nervous and excited as I saw his eyes notice me. I turned around and thought about walking away. Just running away and letting the embarrassment stay there with him, but something made me turn around and look back at him. He waved at me, and I walked up to him. He asked me about my camera and next thing I know I’m sitting in a hotel room getting ready for our wedding. Everything seems to have happened at light speed and in slow motion at the same time.
“Done,” the woman with the comb wakes me up out of my daydream and turns me toward the mirror. I look like something out of an old movie. With red lips and be sausage curls, I could be a bride from the 1940’s. I try to smile, but nothing can calm my nerves.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, no, it’s great, it looks perfect actually”
Her reflection smiles at me, she puts both hands on my shoulders, “it’s just nerves honey, they’re perfectly natural.” I look up at her warm smile and feel comforted, still I feel the pterodactyls raging war in my stomach. Before I even have a chance to think about it, my mother, my sister Mary and my other bridesmaids walk in with my dress. Alice and Crystal both start giggling like little schoolgirls when they see me.
“Oh my goodness you look SO beautiful!”
“You look like Ava Gardner!”
I smile and laugh along as my friends fuss over me. I look up and see my sister in the mirror, sitting on the bed looking at me. We’d become very close over the last few years. It’s interesting how that happens, she didn’t speak to me or even look at me for months. It wasn’t until the night before I left for college, she crawled into bed with me and we just cried together. She really is my best friend, but sitting here even know we we’re both thinking the same thing. I wish Elaine were here. I feel a lump in my throat as tears fall down my sister’s face. I smile slightly and shrug my shoulders to her, she laughs and wipes her face.
“All right you two that’s enough,” my mother shoos Alice and Crystal as she reveals my dress. A beautiful vintage inspired dress. A-line with a lace strap on my right shoulder, covered in fine netting sprinkled with 3-D flowers. It’s a slim fitting without a corset or under dress of any kind, but it still takes all four of them to get the dress on me without messing up my hair or my make-up. The dress is on and I’m being buttoned, zipped and tired in from all angles. In the distance I hear the phone ring, over my shoulder I see my sister answer the phone. I figure it’s the wedding planner to tell us it’s time to hurry up.
“Lou, it’s the front desk, they say someone left something for you.”
It’s probably something from David, or one of the people that couldn’t make it, it’s probably not important, but I don’t want to forget about it. “Oh Mary can you go down and get it for me?”
“Yeah sure no problem,” I laugh as I watch her avoid the circus and hurry out of the room.
“Thank you,” I call after her. I look back at the mirror and see my mother looking at me with tears in her eyes as my friends smooth out my dress. My mother looks at me and I know she’s thinking it too, but as a true southern woman, she is strong. She shakes her head and pushes my hair behind my neck.
“You look beautiful my dear”
“Thanks Mama.” It’s amazing how many people had said that me today, and the only one that seemed to matter was hers. Mary walks back into the room holding a manila envelope, the thick kind that are lined with bubble wrap.
“Hey, let me see that,” I look the package over, but there’s no address, no note or anything. “Did they say who left it?”
“No, they just said that someone dropped it off for you”
“That’s strange.” My heart stops for a second as I think of who it might be. “Um, you guys should be getting ready, we’ve got to leave in less then an hour.”
My mother jumps as if the clock had just chimed, “oh you’re right, come along ladies.” Crystal and Alice are once again shooed by my mother.
My sister looked back with questioning eyes, I nod my head toward the door. She slowly and reluctantly leaves me alone with the package. The second I hear the door shut I turn the package over and try to open it. It’s a stubborn piece of mail; I stand up and walk over to the table by the window, where I had left my purse. I reach in and dig around for a moment to find my nail file. I use the nail file to rip open the envelope and tilt it over the table. Something shinny and solid falls out onto the table and clanks down, the sound that stopped the world. I pick up the worn out silver lighter with the dangerous looking rose design on the side and slide down to my knees. I let my dress circle around me, as I turn the lighter over in my hands. I look at it and smile, and there it is, finally he’s set me free. He’s let me go, and finally we are free of each other. I look up out the window and watch as the first few raindrops hit the window.
